On a side note

Last night I went into the bathroom around 9:30 pm, picked up a pair of scissors, grabbed the left side of my head of hair and started chopping thru 8 inches. I felt like a had a psychotic breakdown. I actually think it may have hit some type of nerve because today I can't help but reflect back to some memories from when I had first cut my hair off after high school. I know that probably sounds so stupid but its true.

I also read some past blogs I use to write on livejournal...as well as some random postings I did on "friends" blogs. All I can say is What the hell? I remember at that particular time in my life feeling out of place. I felt lonely, sad, depressed, over stimulated with freedom. I was young and nieve. I hung out with people who were actually non the better but at the time I thought were the world. I settled for some things I shouldn't have. If I knew then what I know now, yea I realize old people say that all the time but it's so freaking true it's scary, I wouldn't have talked to certain people for as long as I did. I would have told some people to fuck off when I had the chance and I would have spent more time with other people. I would have never stopped going to church. I would have tried harder to go on a mission trip. I would have done more things alone. I would have made a broader circle of friends. It makes me sad now even thinking about it for the simple fact that it must bother me to some degree. Or that it seems like I am making excuses to myself like I need the clarification or I need to justify myself to others, I guess in that aspect I am still nieve.

I am so completely different today than I was 6 years ago. And you would hope so right? I mean who wants to be the same person after that long, right? I blame the majority of it on myself. No matter how mature I thought I was or others thought of me. I was still only 18. My mind was frantically pushing to be 50......and for what? I guess I am mainly angry at myself for being vulnerable to others and being persuaded to do things I would normally roll my eyes at today.

Like for instance I still purposely listen to the rest of a cd before I bust out to the main song public radio plays 24/7 even if I love that song just for the basic principle of pretending like I can think for myself when in reality I am letting those who shame me dictate how I should play the order of my cd. Oh my God. I am talking pure nonsense now. Maybe I haven't changed.

And I know that in another 6 years I am going to read this and think, "Seriously....why did you even write this?"

I try not to over think things. I try to keep it simple on purpose. After awhile it comes rather naturally. I try to think of babies and my husband and my job and how to pay the bills and what we are going to eat for super and that keeps my mind pretty occupied so I dont think of stupid things like this whole blog just descrived. So I guess you can say life kinda hit me in a good way. For sanity's sake.

Overall Fantastic

So today I was just on my way to Sonic, minding my own business when all of the sudden CPS worker calls me and wants to come out to visit Brittany today.....yea thats right....today. She is on her way and will be here in an hour. I anxiously ask if I can meet her there since I hadn't even met this woman I am supposed to be going to court with in two weeks to try and adopt Brittany. She reluctantly says "yes, sure if you want. " So I say "That's what I thought, bitch. Suck it up." in my head at least.

I arrive 30 mintues early, bearly shoving down the nasty hamburger and onion rings and wiping off my grease ring around my mouth. I do this so she doesn't arrive early drop off the papers I have been waiting 2 months for and blow out of huffman like a bat out of hell only to report to CPS that the daycare has a smoking lounge next to the changing tables.

There are about 10 kids in one dark room...sleeping. Of course, its freaking 12:30. They sleep until 2:30. I meet her outside and shake her hand. She parks right next to the biggest mud puddle in the parking lot. She looks an awful lot like that hispanic lady on Housewives. She's kinda cute and sassy. She has a big headband in her gigantic brown perfect curly hispanic hair. No wonder she is the devil.

We go inside and she still wants to check her "for bruising" So I led her in the room and she tried to lift up her shirt but decided it was not such a good idea and didn't want to wake her up and said "never mind its fine, I am sure she doesn't have any" and walked out of the room. The director was not particularly happy about this since she was trying to control a room of sleeping children. I followed her to the next room where we sat down at a little kids table and signed the authorization and placement papers.


And then a miracle happened. We talked.

She went on to ask how long we had been fostering and I told her Brittany was our first. She asked if we wanted to adopt again and I told her our plan was to wait the required year from Depelchin before we foster to adopted again. She then went on to say that the parents might voluntarily relinquish their rights and then something really important about the mom that I can't write but was so insane I immediantly called Jeff after the visit.

She said if they do wave their rights she will let us know before court and that court will not be near as long. She also said if this happens then we will get to adopt Brittany no doubt. But if they do not relinquish then court will probably take all day and they might have to do another broadcast and that CPS wants recommendations for Brittany and that its up to her and CASA to put in recommendations but I probably have nothing to worry about since she is pretty sure the parents are going to wave their rights.

She said at court they will ask us if we want to adopt, a timeline of the smoking thing, and will want to see pictures and her lifebook and anything that would help show her time with us.

THEN I started telling her how wonderfully Brittany is adjusting and how amazed I am when I read about milestones and she is just perfectly on target. She added by saying this is only the 3rd youngest kid she has seen be adopted and the rest were always older so how great that is for us.

And then the miracle happened. Before it had she was looking away from me when we talked.
It was not until we got on the subject she looked me in the eye

God smiled and his light shone down upon me right between her rolling her eyes and the words falling out of my mouth. "We have done alot to adopt. Just last year we did IVF...twice"

"Oh really, I am in my 2WW right now!" Oh my freaking GOD!

We went into alot of detail about our experiences we talked for like 30 minutes about the ups and downs and shot pains and emotional roller coaster and the losing your mind of it all. I gave her tips and she agreed with everything I said. It was magical and we had a moment. I let her know this is why we started smoking again, when it didn't work. I feel like I just really connected with her and she understands us alot better then she had. I am so glad it was brought up. She can now totally relate to the stress and anxiety we went thru. She said she couldn't imagine not being able to have kids and then it not working so she sees the importance of us wanting to adopt Brittany. THANK YOU GOD! She has one boy and her husband has a boy but they don't have any together and have been trying for 3 years. Her husbands insurance paid for it. Home girl went into detail. I am telling you....M...A.....G....I....C.


Then as fast as she came she left.

She had also asked if I had talked to Mrs Russell (Brittany's attorney) and I told her only on the phone when she was in her office a couple of weeks ago. I think she mentioned this because of the parents waving their rights. I don't know.

I do know I am glad I made her meet me. And I believe she knows there is no way we would go thru hell and back to be bad parents to Brittany.

Here's praying to a smooth adoption ride. Come on guys...just sign the papers.

Busy...busy

I haven't posted in awhile, obviously. Things have been busy at the Buck house.

Monday Brittany started her first day of daycare. She did so awesome. When I dropped her off I had to sneak out while she was playing with some toys. When I picked her up she was happy to see me and looked so exhausted. It was too cute. They said she didn't get her nap in but ate all her lunch and was very good all day. Needless to say on the way home she was definately in some sort of zone. Poor baby. Yesterday I dropped her off in the morning and she went straight to the director no problem and waived good bye to me. I was impressed. Typically when I leave at home she is screaming. Also there was a slight improvement on the nap factor yesterday. She took an hour nap. One of the ladies said she had to cover her eyes with her hand in order for her to finally go to sleep. I am sure she is not use to sleeping on a mat with other kids around. She made a picture that day too. They were learning about the letter P. It was of a big P with purple colored on it and a flower made from her finger Prints and it was purple petals. lol

I could totally tell the difference in the way she was when we got home on both days. She was so much more vocal and full of energy and happy. It was like night and day no joke. Strange. You can really see how being around others her own age helps her grow. I am so happy we decided for 3 days. She will go back Friday. Wednesday and Thursday's Adell has her at our house. This morning I left them playing with some plastic foods Adell picked up from Target to go with her kitchen set. I am sure she will have way too much fun with that. I don't know what it is about kids and plastic food.

Next week I am going to be so busy. I cannot even think about anything else except for the next couple of weeks events. Not to mention Jeff is going back out of town for more robot training. He leaves Sunday on the 24th and won't be back until Friday the 29th. SUCKS. In the meantime I have to do 50 things without him. Monday our clinician is coming to the house again for her monthly visit. She will be there at 10 am.

Wednesday I have to take Brittany to the New Caney Wic office to get her updated so we can get her all of the vouchers for some milk and juice and cereal, which will be a nice little bonus on my grocery bill.

Friday she goes to the Dr at 10 am.

And last but not least we have COURT the Thursday after that! Yes court....the big day. The day where CPS will be pushing TPR. I am nervous for the simple fact we will be alone with her CPS worker, who fyi hates us yet has not even met us. Her CASA worker who LOVES us will be on vacation and our clinician says she usually doesn't go. I might just make her. So I am trying to google everything online to get an idea what will occur on that day. NO LUCK. It could go so many different ways my head is spinning.


I have also decided not to cut my hair. I want it to grow to the floor...so I can braid it and wear blue jean skirts and roll it into a bee hive.

I am also waiting for the Target package to be delivered at work. The package that contains part of Brittany's clothes.

Mockey is not pregnant like I thought, she is in heat. I tried to keep the Williardton away but was unsuccessful. Looks like Mockey will be having more pugs in another 63 days.

Lady Birds puppies are getting so big. They are the cutest little bassett puppies I have ever seen. I can't wait until they are running around being bad.

I am hungry. I brought left over spagetti and a pizza pocket. Sounds like another fat roll waiting to happen.

I am tired. I can't wait until 9/5/2008. When alot of this will be over.

Puggy Troubles

I am pretty sure Abby is feeling deprived of Jeff's attention about now.

She decided to sit on him yesterday until he did something about it.

We also made some art. Since we can't post pictures of Brittany yet, this will

have to do.

It's FRIDAY!

I haven't been excited about a Friday in awhile.

But I am.

I just spent $150 online like it was nobodies business. Typically I am all about looking around and finding the best price, which I did, and then settling on something stupid and going home and never wearing it or not ending up buying anything and being tired of shoping and cranky. But today I had $150 from DDC that I could spend freely on clothes for Brittany. I deposited that bitch this morning and in less than 3 hours at work I had that baby spent.

Let me also include if you sign up to receive email notices online from old navy and the gap they will in return send you an additional 15% and 10% off purchases made online. I took advantage of this as well as shopping from their clearance section. Oh and their shipping is a 5 dollar FLAT FEE. How great is that? Now if you purchase something from one of their other chains, I forgot what it's called, its like a shoe store, then you get free shipping. But those shoes are outrageously priced so I declined. I also bought half of the clothes from Target online which to my suprize has MORE online then in the stores and at a better price. NOT TO MENTION this weekend is tax free weekend and I didn't want to drag myself and Brittany to a million stores when I could quickly view all selections online and make a choice with a click of the button. WAH LA! I ended up getting 17 peices for 149.60. Which is just 40 cents under my budget. EXCELLENT! And I know good and well I could have more somewhere cheaper like Ross or something but these are pretty freaking awesome clothes and they all have really good thick and well made material. I am stocking up for winter.

In other news, CASA went good. Court is looking good for us. Brittany is doing good and everything is dandy. My sister Brittany's baby shower is Sunday. Aiden is still getting strong in the hospital. Everything is pretty much hunky dori.

Brittany starts daycare monday. That essentially means I have to get up an extra 20 mintues. HA HA HA...sucks. I am kind of thinking if we shouldn't make daycare into 2 days vs 3. What do you think?

Halloween Costumes

So I have been looking at costumes for the past hour trying to find one for Brittany this Halloween. I totally want something ghoulish so if someone finds something let me know. I need a size 18 months. So far here are our runner ups. I wanted to also coordinate something with me and Jeff and Brittany but we will see, it depends on what we find for her. Let me know which one you like best.

Monkey, which is her nickname

Bat

I'm kinda digging this duck

Funeral Director

A husbands nughtmare....

A man came home from work
and found his three children outside,
still in their pajamas,
playing in the mud,
with empty food boxes and
wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open,
as was the front door to the house
and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry,
he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over,
and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel,
and the family room was strewn with toy sand various items of clothing.

In the kitchen,
dishes filled the sink,
breakfast food was spilled on the counter,
the fridge door was open wide,
dog food was spilled on the floor,
a broken glass lay under the table,
and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs,
stepping over toys and more piles of clothes,
looking for his wife.
He was worried she may be ill,
or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water
as it made its way out the bath room door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels,
scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.
Miles of toilet paper layin a heap and toothpaste
had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom,
he found his wife still curled up in the bed
in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled,
and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked,
"What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered,
"You know every day when you come home from work
and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Good news for people who like bad news

Yesterday was insane. First off, let me reiterate the fact that stress from CPS never goes away. Then let me also include stress from people creating drama and hyjacking my email and my life and refuses to admit it. It was a stressful day. But then I got home, got calm, refocused and played with Brittany. It all became worth it. Jeff got home and we sat in her room after dinner and rolled around on the floor. I saw it for the first time, yes the first, yesterday with Jeff and Brittany. Pure magic. It was like nothing else was on his mind but him and his baby. I then ran a song in my head and the room split. I am telling you, something good will come of this in the end.

Tomorrow CASA worker is coming to the house, again, for her monthly visit. This time she is bringing along her boss, Penny. The road is actually dry today so hopefully it won't rain it's butt off before she shows up and ruins another pair of high heal pumps. Word on the street is they just completed another home study on a family that was interested in adopting Brittany. They showed interest in her in the beginning but have sat on their butts until now, right before her parental rights are terminated. Casa worker said not to fret and she doesn't think they will pass, on top of that it's ultimately up to a judge and when he sees the committment and relationship we have for Brittany at court, hopefully it will outweigh any ties with the other family, which is not even family, its friends of the family. BUT still it reminds us we are not completely safe from disruptions. I think they are coming by before court in September to make any final judgements to add to the report that will be handed in to determine her future. They also want to meet Adell. She is nervous, as should be. I had to threaten her to lock up her dogs this morning while they are here. I would be so pissed if a giant bassett hound came crashing out of the woods to attach the CASA worker who holds our future in her hands.

Also Brittany is going to start daycare on Monday. It's going to be so awesome. She has been staying home with Adell during the day while we are at work but it was suggested to us that she continue having her Friday play groups to interact with other kids. After much extended research this play group was too far away from us for her to attend on Fridays for a couple of hours and we thought it would be much more structured and routine for her to attend a daycare for 3 days during the week. We of course, got some backlash for this, but I think it is our decision to make as parents not to mention we were recommended this by CPS. She needs to be around other kids and learn to socialize. She doesn't need to be at home all day with grandma learning by herself. Although she is learning everyday there is nothing better than social skills and learning side by side with kids her own age. I would think people would understand this. They don't have to agree with us but keep your opinions to yourself. DAYCARE IS NOT THE DEVIL. Thats like saying school is the devil and kids should only be home schooled. INSANE. And I might add the fact that we have waited A LONG TIME to be parents. It is our choice and our turn to make decisions. They may not be the right decisions all the time but they are OUR decisions and we have earned that right. DEAL!

Also I was trying to look up the timeline for this years Renaissance Festival and apparantly they are having the Ghoul theme for Halloween on the weekend before Halloween, the 25th and 26th. BUMMER. I was hoping it was actually on Halloween. Maybe it will change before then. It is still a couple of months away. That's possible right?

Also my friend Melissia and her husband Lenard got chosen yesterday for a 7 month old baby. I know I have talked about them a million times but let me say again they are the couple using DDC too who have basically the exact same child history as us and started adoption on the same freaking day as us. 1/7/2008. We have been talking since then and comparing things as we go side by side. Well now they are offically parents! YAY! I am sooooo happy for them! It is such a blessing. God is awesome.

ITS A MYSTERY

So guess what happens to me this morning! Its just gonna blow your socks off. I am speachless. I mean obviously I know who the culprit is but still its gonna be left a mystery since its totally being DENIED.

This morning I go to sign into my email and guess freaking what! My password has been changed. Yes you read right! CHANGED.

I am like WTF? So after 15 guesses, because just two weeks ago I changed the darn thing, the answer comes up to be "COLIGNY" so hummmmmm who do you think changed it?

I go to read my deleted emails and there is the freaking confirmation, "Your password has been changed at 5:47 pm. " Hum.... how interesting, that was the time I was home, not changing my own password.

So I call Jeff who instantly knows who it is. I then call the Suspect who of course denies it and then goes on to tell me how I can change it agian by answering my security question. This is obviously something the person was well aware of in the first place.

So now I went back and changed my password and security question. WHATS FREAKING WRONG WITH THE WORLD TODAY? Why are people so dang nosey they have to break into my email account and read all my emails? And then LIE about it.

Stab me in the eye please

I am so tired. My eyes feel like they have 5 lb weights on them. They are dry and lazy. My fingers feel like greezy left over pop corn kettle butter and salt. My skin is warm, almost like I am catching something, maybe allergies, and I have this uncontrollable desire to cut my hair off. Not like crazy girl shaving it off but just something short and easy to brush and go to work. I on the other hand know better than to actually do this. I have thin frizzy hair. It will only poof and split if I cut it. Making me look even chunkier and mommier ultimately making me stab myself in the eye. I never understood why woman cut their long beautiful hair off when they get kids. Now I know. There is no time to even brush and put a clip in my hair when a 15 month old is screaming for you to hold her. Sometimes I wish she could just "use her words" and then sometimes I am glad she is not screaming "moooooommmmmmmy" cause my heart would break. I think my hair is either a.) perma fried from all the years as a young girl my Nanny permed my hair, adding to the pentecostal poof or b.) naturally wavy/curly and I have no idea about hair products so I brush it and it frizzes.
I once bought some frizz stuff, i used it once, i didn't like it. It made my hair wet and nasty looking. Like I hadn't taken a bath in 5 days. It really just made my scalp look like that. I don't get hair. I don't get it at all. Maybe I will shave it off. Maybe I will just go home tonight and chop that shit off.

Now that we are on the subject of hair, lets talk about the fact I grow more hair on my upper lip than I do in my armpits. What the hell is up with that? No let's not talk about hair anymore. I've said enough.

Adell is making meatloaf tonight. She wants to start cooking once a week so we can all eat together. A part of me wants to die a little and another part of me is glad I don't have to cook. I am the kind of person who sees their own mother once a week because if I did see her anymore than that we would fight....non stop. We just don't agree about alot of things and she is pretty opionated and well how should I put this....my mother in law is alot like my mother. Let's drop that for today. You know what I am saying. Too much of something is not good for the soul.

Brittany now says " You NO NO" and points her finger. Isn't it kind of early for me to be taking orders from her?

Work is a drag. As usual. I love my job, as jobs go, but quite frankly I would rather do 50 different things and can get bored easily. I will probably never be completely happy in anything as far as "work" goes, so I settle on something I won't kill myself with. The funeral home was the happiest days of my life and sadly the only life, which is exactly why I had to quit.

Jeff is back home. Thank God. I missed him so much. It was nice to come home yesterday and have him play with Brittany while I got some things done around the house. It was nice to hang out with him after she went to bed and it was nice to watch Brittany attach him with "Rawwws" and jumps. I love the man. He is finally back down to 2 cigs a day and I threatened him to an inch of his life to quit this weekend or else.

I want a pool.
Pools are fun.
Pools would give us something to do around the house.
A nice above ground pool wouldn't be that much money or upkeep.
I would settle for a nice above ground pool.
I would really really like a hot tub. But I burried a baby once who died on a hot tub. She was walking around the sides and fell and hit her head and drowned. She was 2. The parents were inside the house entertaining. It was sad.

My dad told me and my mom and my sister yesterday he was born with grapefruit balls when I asked what made Aiden's privates swell. My dad is a retard. It was pretty damn funny. My dad never talks like that. After he realized what just fell out of his mouth he covered his mouth with his hand and turned red and giggled. It was the best part of the day. He then went on to argue that babies are born that way and thats the size they stay. Yea right dad, you wish. Idiot.

Oh yea, Children's museum....Sunday....free tickets....must check times.

Welcome Aiden Wayne Henry!

Today my sister Brittany had her baby boy via emergency c-section @ 10 am at Northeast Southwest tower Second floor, room 2025. He came out ready to great the world with open lungs and an open mouth. Born at only 34 wks and 3 lbs, he is healthy and pink and although in NICU doing much better than the nurses anticipated. My sister got sick yesterday and was checked in the hospital only to discover she had toxemia. So with a few tests this morning they decided to take the baby out with the results in less than 20 mintues. Apparantly they had a good feeling they were about to do this yesterday because they gave her a shot to help Aiden's lungs develope for his first breathe in the world. He is sooooo itty bitty and I just want to pop his toes and give him lippins. Brittany was drugged when we left her and her BP was elevated so we were told she needed lots of rest and shouldn't be stimulated and were basically kicked out. I came back to work. Brandy is also having her graduation today. She is graduating from RN school! YAY. I am so proud of her for going back to school and getting her degree. I remember thinking when she got married almost out of high school how much she is wasting her chance to go to college because she is so smart. I was so shocked when I heard she was going back and actually started when I first went to Kingwood college and here she is almost 4 years later, graduating! So amazing! Today is just a crazy day. Crazy weather, crazy nephew being born, crazy sister being drugged and cut open, crazy other sister graduating and starting to work in the labor and delivery room in a couple of weeks, crazy Jeff's boss's dad dying and having a funeral today, crazy me for having stinky shoes and can smell my feet when I take my shoes off, lol is that too much information? Sometimes I do that. Also crazy that I am finally coming home today to a wonderful Jeff and miracle Brittany.

Also scrapbooked yesterday, dang Beka and her being right about liking it after all. I'm not all about to make a scrapbook work shop but I do have a scrapbook drawer at home and a pretty good collection of Acrylic paint for taking Brittany's hand and feet prints and making a pretty awesome memory. Yea Im a bad ass.

Rain

I almost forgot to say last time it rained, me and Brittany went out on the front porch and stood there and watched. It was silent except for the drops of rain hitting the ground and it was nice and it almost made me cry. Almost. And I missed my mom.

Point of the Story

So my whole point of all below was to say this.

I try my hardest, absolute damn best, not to seperate myself, emotionally.

I feel stuck in this limbo. I know good and well anything can happen with Brittany's future and at any moment the state has full authority to take her away. I feel like I catch myself going thru the motions and I put on a pretty good act but inside my head its seriously empty so I dont reflect on what's in my heart because it's too painful. It could be the lack of nicotine or it could be the rollercoaster of emotions or it could be the stress but when I do this I quickly jerk myself back into reality, or is it fantasy? Either way I take it day to day and right now, today, Brittany is OUR baby and I am going to treat her without a shadow of a doubt like OUR baby.

Yesterday I did this all for the better of me. I acknowledged what I was doing and set it aside. In the end we might get hurt, we might not. But I have said this before and I will say it again, it's better to LOVE if you seriously LOVE someone because it makes you so happy at the moment, even if they don't love you back or they don't love you forever. It's better than being miserable, in love, and distant, afraid to hurt yourself. TAKE THE RISK. Just LOVE.

Also it is very much true that if Brittany is your neice or cousin or grandchild like she is our daughter and at the end she leaves our home, she will ALWAYS have been your neice or cousin or grandchild. I hope people remember this, for her sake. It really helps to reflect and let loose to love. Her love doesn't go on hold. Why should ours?

This is honest, this is true, I cannot change it. I want to remember how I felt, so I write it down. If I grow or regress I want to remember. I want her to know one day too. Everything we went thru and felt. We went thru everything for her.

Until Help Arrives

So today has been kind of busy at work. Luckily I am insurance pro and can multi task WHILE doing things of my own personal agenda.

I have slowly but surely learned to multi task with home life as well. Its a hard transition for all involved in foster to adopt. Sometimes I feel myself, and this probably sounds so horrible I shouldn't even write it, seperate myself from the situation. Like for the first week, and perhaps you could tell, I was stressed with balancing newly 15 month old baby into Heather, work and wife duties. I had to learn how to find a common ground in my head of where to place emotions and become that stability in a childs life that obviously has no clue she is on the edge of her future unknown. I am also kind of OCD and like things where they go. I am also not entirely use to the idea of my mother in law at my house all day. It's not like I am ungrateful for her opening her heart and time to Brittany but when someone is in your "space" all day its just kind of creepy no matter how you want to look at it. If you don't get that then well tuff shit that's just how I feel. Then there was this second where me and Jeff look up at each other and say "Oh yea I forgot I was married for a second" running around after a 15 month old and doing those normal day to day things we have always done. It's funny because just this weekend we are like, "Man we are so busy now and it kind of sucks because we are some lazy people." and then we said "Well you know what we would normally be doing on the weekends? Blowing money on baby stuff. " ha ha ha. It's just so funny. And then there was the whole stressed CPS is gonna take away Brittany because CPS worker is insane thing and thinks we smoke in the house. Entirely not true. So we quit smoking, and that in itself is just plan freaking stressful. And for a brief second I felt like IVF all over again. Dangle this baby and then take her away.

Then there's the not enough time during the day to play. You can tell the girl has attachment problems on top of her just being plan baby cranky. She is pushing 2 so whats a baby to do but be upset about teething and rashes and not being able to communicate and pissed when you leave and pissed about the car seat and pissed its 30 minutes passed her bed time and pissed you even said the word "No" like "No Brittany you cannot touch the stove and burn your baby hands"
" WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" is her response and all of the sudden she has a melt down. It's funny because once when I worked at the funeral home, my manager, who I had this love hate relationship with, because frankly he was just plain Satan, told me one thing I will never ever ever forget. " With repitition comes confidence" Smart bastard.

So here it is week 2. I am becoming more confident. When she throws a fit I know exactly what works and when she is just being a brat or having her heart broke. Foster kids are totally different than regular kids. And it's hard to discern that fine line of normalcy. But with repitition comes confidence and I can feel it grow each day.

PLUS I now longer feel the need for a 6 pack and a box of ciggarettes. ha ha well today that is.

I always heard other moms saying this or that and they want to pull their hair out and they wished they would have waited and here I was 4 years in the making of pre-mommahood only dreaming of having a child and just wanted to slay their tired saggy eyed momma faces and say
"DAMN IT WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU. I WISH I COULD BE SO LUCKY TO BE SO TIRED, I WILL NEVER COMPLAIN WHEN MY TIME COMES"
But here I sit, complaining. I would like to think I am not so much complaining as I am just stating the facts. lol PLUS haven't I earned the right to complain? Hasn't every mom? This has deffinately shed some light on things I did not take into consideration before. I on the other hand cherish every moment of it. I reflect back each day and am so thankful and feel so blessed to have tired feet and hands and mind because I lean on and trust in the fact that I am a Mommy and 15 month old breakdowns will not last forever. Each day is different and each day is new. Yes there will be different aged meltdowns but I will be more equiped, hopefully, when the time comes.

I also wanted to reiterate the fact that it feels sooooooo weird to wake up and be in this sudden club of mommies. Like for instance I was talking to Jessica yesterday and her sister in law told her we should set up a play date. ha ha ha. If I had not had a daughter I would probably never even consider hanging out. And now me and Jessica are talking more, and me and Beka and Lorie are hanging out more. It's like this common bond we share that brings us together and its so freaking strange to me. Another example. I was at Wal-Mart rushing to grab a monitor last Thursday when randomly this lady standing next to them starts telling me about her 16 month old boy who throws her cell phone down the toilet and she was purchasing a safety lock for the toilet and I responded with which one I had bought but had not tried yet and she responds with what monitor she used and which one sucks. And here we are mommies talking about babies and I am a little bit creeped out because for all she knew I was buying a baby shower gift and this unfamiliar sense of companianship was in the air and I shed a single tear inside my mind and ran away to the check out line. Am I a retard or what? It's like I could hear "Its a bittersweet symphony" playing on my way up to the check out line, like I am in a freaking musical.

New Day

Today turned out to go rather well. Except the mass amount of rain our road got all at once turning it into a pile of mud.

Brittany's CASA worker came out today to see her. She was super nice and told us what a great job we are doing with her. She said that Brittany is doing great and adjusting well and that she was really glad with us quiting smoking and was sympathetic at what a hard job it was for us to even attempt. She left us with a smile and we left to go to work leaving Brittany with Adell. It was a good morning but the lady was wearing red high heals and they were completely covered in mud by the time she got from the middle of our road to our house. She was driving a car and couldn't drive all the way up without getting stuck. lol She had a good laugh though and was a good sport about it. Of all the days and days it never rained and she had to come TODAY! lol oh well, she is going to be telling our CPS worker to relax on her concerns with us and our house and confirmed that CPS lady is a crazy crazy bitch. Not in those words but you know. :)

I still haven't had a ciggarette. I must say it is a little easier this go around but still the anxiety is there and I am chewing on a peice of gum like its nobodies business. My boss is super stressed today too and I think she might just kill someone. There is apparantly a group of middle aged men in Huffman running around robbing businesses and they are trying to steal from her other business The Sawmill. They have been stalking out at night and these guys actually had the nerve to cut thru chain wire at 11:30 at night to steal their equipment and tractor. Its just sooo insane. Its the Saw Mill right in front of James Maddon's neighborhood. Her son Buck who lives across the streat was up all night with a shot gun. lol Huffman drama. Too bad I know about it. I would rather have been in the dark and not be apart of this hillbilly stupidness.

I think Brittany may have some attachment issues. She wants to do nothing but have me or Jeff hold her constantly while she plays or does something. At the same time she wants to be totally independent and how dare you try to feed or do something for her. Is this normal? WTH?

It is also Tara's Birthday! Happy Birthday Aunt Tara, even though you probably don't read this. I am thinking about you. I asked today if we can make a trip to Austin and supposedly our CASA worker is inquiring about it. I will touch base with her again tomorrow and see if we got an answer. They said it may be tricky because its out of region. HUMMMMMM......

Work is still boring. It is still raining.

CPS IS A BITCH

I am stressed. There is alot I don't want to say because I am positive it will all disolve itslef and just go away but right now at this very moment cps is being incredibley stupid and there is nothing I can really do about it except sit back and wait for it to pan out.

I had a dream I was at the beach with a 6 pack of beer and a box of cig. lol how funny is that? I guess the patch makes you dream of crazy things.

I also have this weird feeling I am walking on egg shells and we are being looked at under a microscope. I mean obviously we are but dangity dang I just want to grab a case of beer and smoke some ciggarettes.

Work is still boring. I wrote in my CPS documentation book today. Set up some Dr's appointments for Brittany for August. Was told she needed an eye exam soon. How on earth does a 15 month old get an eye exam? I didn't know there was such a thing?

I left for work this morning and gave her a hug and we told each other "Duce" before I walked out the door with her screaming. She hates it when we leave. Jeff is lucky and leaves before she gets up in the morning.....turns out bites are going away...no more swelling...perhaps she was just allergic to some serious ants or mosquitos.

I wish it would have rained more.

Brittany's Casa worker is coming to the house in the morning at 10 to visit with us. She is kind of like someone CPS highers to keep an eye out for her and her case. I am glad. She sounds really nice. Maybe she can get me some stuff we need.

I want to go to the zoo. NOW!

Jeff is going out of town some time in early August. It's gonna be weird just me and Brittany at home. I have to think of kid projects now. Educational fun!

This weekend Lorie is going to give us hair lessons. We are going to cook and have lunch with her family and Beka's. It's gonna be SWEET. lol
I think I got that from Kameron who was showing me his tattoo last week on his arm and told me it was "pretty sweet"...he's four!

I think I need to find Mapoozle a new home. A good home. But she has 5 babies and I have to wait awhile. I need to simplify my life more. Maybe I am just in this quit smoking zone and panic attachs are getting to me. Day 2.
I need some coffee. Whats today? Wednesday?
Tomorrow is Tara's Birthday. I wish we could go to Austin.
Friday is Jame's Birthday. James is growing up so nice. I wish I had his address. (wink wink)

You guys are on my calenders so I don't forget. I forget alot these days. Too much going on.
Im at this happy medium. I will explain more later. When I can.

Its Official!

I have quit smoking! I didn't have anything yesterday and today is MUCH better. lol The first day is always such a drag. I got home so cranky and just told myself, Heather, take it one day at a time.
Brittany was asleep by 7:30 pm although I wanted to help her go to sleep around 6 that wasn't happening. She was sooooo angry and her nap was early so she was very tired. Jeff made some chili and it was good. I think Brittany may have ringworms. lol from playing in the sand without shoes on. Poor baby. Either that or she may be alergic to ants? She has red bump on her arm and one on her leg and one in the middle of her eyes and the swelling has gone down since yesterday but its still red. We bought some creme to put on it and it seems to be itching her. I say its ringworms. Her dang doctor wont call me back so I can make an appointment.

Work is sooo slow this morning. We are cut off from writing any new business because of Dolly. It's crazy. I don't even know why I am here to tell you the truth. Wish I could just go home.

It's supposed to rain today. Looks like it did a little last night. I am hungry. It's only 9:30 am. Geesh I wish I had some breakfast.

Momma, Da Da, Baby

Those are the three words Brittany can say without flaw. She is too funny.

I cannot wait until she can say more, every day she is trying to imitate songs or words and movements. VERY SMART KID. Yesterday Jeff's mom babysat for a couple of hours while we took some time to go on a quick date to the movies. We saw Batman and it was SWEET! lol I don't use that word EVER but it was pretty dang cool. Joker totally outshined Batman and its so sad that Joker will never be able to be as awesome again. Heath Ledger was a Joker genius.

ALSO we are officially non smokers as of tomorrow. Its gonna be one big headache this week but with our lucky nicotine patches and gum we are good to go.

Brittany is now sleeping almost a full 11 hours at night straight! So good for her since she is a much happier baby when she is awake.

On a Heather note.....tomatoe plants are dying on the porch...too dry and not enough time to remember to water them anymore. :(
Pugs are loving baby and Abby is Brittany's favorite. It's so crazy because Abby is such a slug and just wants to sleep on the sofa all day and theres a little 15 month old trying to rip her off and hug her. ha ha ha

Eva's Birthday was Saturday and we went to her party at the park in Humble. It was fun because Brittany got to swing and slide on the playground. Its so insane seeing Eva running around like a little person. She is very adult and she is only 2!

There is always TONS of paperwork with adoption. I have been working on Brittany's folder ALL DAY. Organizing and copying and faxing and filling out all the good details. Record keeping is a must and I am pretty bad about that. I must get better, there is so much still to be done.

Soon we need to get started on our Brittany Book. Decided also to call my sister Aunt Brittany.....perhaps Aunt B? What do you think? Can't decide.

Welcome to the World of Baby

The true adventure has begun.
It's amazing, even the notion, that you are living your life one day
childless, anxious, waiting for something to happen with adoption
and then the next day you wake up and your a momma.
Your still anxious, scared, nervous, your brain is shot from all these new feelings,
not to mention you constantly need a cig but your too busy to smoke one, lol.
You bring your 14 month old baby home and your house is turned upside down in toys and laughter and screaming and crying and poop and diapers and baby food and juice and sippy cups and 30 second attention spans and teething
and more anxiety, apprehensiveness.....
do you get to adopt her, do you have to watch her leave?
Is she going to fall and hurt herself and then CPS is going to take her away?
Does she hate you? Does she love you? Is she detached? Is she on target?
Are you stressing too much? Not enough?
Ah the unknown of motherhood.
I knew I would say it one day......but nobody told me is would be so nerve wrecking! lol
Nobody said you will worry until the day you probably die.....
actually I do recall my mother saying that once.
I feel like a mom, but its too soon to elaborate.
I know Jeff feels like a dad, and is actually a really good dad.
She is like his shadow.
She doesn't like us to leave her at all. She wants to see us at all times.
She is probably scared after leaving her previous foster dad and thinks we will do the same.
Only time will heal.

Her name is Brittany Michelle, she is the happiest baby in the world.
She laughs all the time and has the most evilest little laugh when she gets super happy.
Her face gets all twisty and she kind of hisses the way Jeff does when he does that side ways face hideous laugh.
There is so much I have to say about her and write about her.
I am just going to sit back and take it as a sign that her first and middle name are both my sisters names.
Brittany, obviously and Michelle is Brandy's middle name.
A sign? Is it?
I was going to sleep last night thinking if we should change it to Brittany Michelle Tara Buck....just to be fair. lol

Let's go back a couple of days shall we?

Okay so we got "The Email" Monday, as stated in my previous post.
From there Brittany's foster dad called to set up a time for us to come and pick her up. We talked for about an hour about Brittany's birth family and case and her history with him. He loves her very much and is sad to see her go but he knows it's the best for her.
We decide to get her Tuesday at 5 because she takes a nap around 2 or 3 and will be up then happy to greet us. I went ahead and took off Tuesday and Wednesday just to make sure we had everything ready for her when she got to the house. We went to WalMart Monday night to get a toddler car seat and some snacks and some clothes, we figured size 18 months since she is 15 months old. As much clothes as we already had we did not however have any girls clothes in those sizes. We were sooo nervous and anxious and just plan on edge ready. After 3 years of trying to have a baby it just seemed to be coming so quick. It was and still is a shock to the system.

Tuesday Jeff worked half a day while I slept and then paced the yard. I was just so worried that she was going to get to our house and hate us. I would be soooo sad. I am not going to write the ins and outs of her case or how it came about she was taken into care so don't even ask...its basically no ones business and it's her story to tell one day. Not mine. Plus that she is not adopted yet so we are not supposed to talk about it to anyone anyways.

So at 4:30 we head over to pick her up. Just us two and the foster family. Noone from DDC or CPS. It was weird and exciting and nerve wrecking to say the least. I was trying to pay attention to her and look at her pics and listen to what the FD was saying all at the same time. We didn't know what to do first. lol He had soooo many pictures of her but she was right there! Why would we want to look at pictures of her when she was standing right there!
While we were there she was crawling around on the floor just watching us. She started staring at Jeff and he was trying to talk to her under the table and drool was just falling out of her mouth. She was posed for about 5 minutes before she moved. She was trying to figure us out. I think she had a pretty good idea what was going on. She finally grabbed a hold of Jeff's finger and let him pick her up. It was truely magical. When it was time to go I held out my arms and she came to me. She waved by to the FD and we walked out the door.

Then finally with her, 5 bags of toys and clothes, a rocking horse and rocking chair, her big yellow duck she sleeps with and a green blanket we packed the car and drove home.

The whole drive she just watched us and laughed at me sitting in the back seat with her while Jeff drove. She was happy and well entertained with her new car seat handle bars.

When we got home we showed her the yard and her room and her toys and the pugs. She and Abby got in each others faces and just looked and looked. She absoluetly LOVES Abby.

When she walked in her room Jeff was holding her. The first thing she wanted to see was a light on the wall. She would press it and watch it glow. She did that for about 5 minutes giggling. It was like she found a light in the darkness of the room and I will never forget it.

Then Jeff's parents came, my parents came with my sister Brittany and Tommy and Jessica came with Eva. Eva was jeleous and mentioned that was her Jeff. lol They played well together and she was still just smiling and laughing. When they left around 9 she cried a little and was probably tired of seeing everyone come and go. We layed her down in the pack and play and she fell right to sleep. She didn't wake up until 6 am.

The next day our clinician came over to have us sign some papers. She is basically the lady from Depelchin that is a mediator for us with CPS. She was probably our age and really nice. Although she didn't know anything about Brittany's case she was aware of CPS pushing for parental rights being terminated in September.

It is sad to be happy at the thought of her bio parents rights being terminated but I am and we are so blessed to be her parents, we cannot help but to chear for ourselves and Brittany who needs a safe and happy family to love her and watch her grow. I dread the thought of what could happen to Brittany if she goes back home, she obviously wasn't safe to be there in the first place and although we are told her bio parents do love her, they just cannot take care of her our feelings of the situation are backed up by CPS's view as well as the courts.

After our clinician left we went to Wal Mart to buy some diapers and more wipies. I know we couldn't have know about the diapers until we got a placement but I wish someone would have told me to stock up on some wipies. We also got some toys and snacks she likes to eat and a small kids pool for her to swim in on the porch. Jeff's mom came with us so she would be use to her and well adjusted when we returned to work. We had a fun day running around shopping and laughing and screaming in Wal Mart. She threw her sippy cup down and water went EVERYWHERE in the food section and we kind of just ran away laughing. It was embarassing. I think everyone has one of these stories though !

When we got home she ate some super...played in her pool and passed out! Then me and Jeff crashed on the sofa to just bask in the tiredness of our day. We are parents, we are constant, we are busy, and although scared to death, we are happy.

CAUTION!!!

We just totally got a call from a lady at DDC telling us if we wanted the little baby girl from Friday's email we could bring her home in two days!

OH WOW! I can't believe this! I am getting more details as I type. She will call back in another hour to let me know if there is any family getting together their stuff to try and adopt her. But CPS is trying to find a non relative adoptive home and her current FP are in the process of marital problems so her case worker wanted her moved out asap. But she is a happy healthy 14 going on 15 month CC/Hispanic possibly AA.

Case worker just called. She will be home tomorrow or Wednesday! WOW WOW WOW!

She is a legal risk placement so her parents rights must still be terminated for us to adopt. Apparantly she came into CPS from some physical abuse. CPS is pushing adoption. Her next court date is in September!

Thanks everyone for all your prayers and wishful thinking!
Looks like we will at least be Foster Parents! Yay!