On a side note

Last night I went into the bathroom around 9:30 pm, picked up a pair of scissors, grabbed the left side of my head of hair and started chopping thru 8 inches. I felt like a had a psychotic breakdown. I actually think it may have hit some type of nerve because today I can't help but reflect back to some memories from when I had first cut my hair off after high school. I know that probably sounds so stupid but its true.

I also read some past blogs I use to write on livejournal...as well as some random postings I did on "friends" blogs. All I can say is What the hell? I remember at that particular time in my life feeling out of place. I felt lonely, sad, depressed, over stimulated with freedom. I was young and nieve. I hung out with people who were actually non the better but at the time I thought were the world. I settled for some things I shouldn't have. If I knew then what I know now, yea I realize old people say that all the time but it's so freaking true it's scary, I wouldn't have talked to certain people for as long as I did. I would have told some people to fuck off when I had the chance and I would have spent more time with other people. I would have never stopped going to church. I would have tried harder to go on a mission trip. I would have done more things alone. I would have made a broader circle of friends. It makes me sad now even thinking about it for the simple fact that it must bother me to some degree. Or that it seems like I am making excuses to myself like I need the clarification or I need to justify myself to others, I guess in that aspect I am still nieve.

I am so completely different today than I was 6 years ago. And you would hope so right? I mean who wants to be the same person after that long, right? I blame the majority of it on myself. No matter how mature I thought I was or others thought of me. I was still only 18. My mind was frantically pushing to be 50......and for what? I guess I am mainly angry at myself for being vulnerable to others and being persuaded to do things I would normally roll my eyes at today.

Like for instance I still purposely listen to the rest of a cd before I bust out to the main song public radio plays 24/7 even if I love that song just for the basic principle of pretending like I can think for myself when in reality I am letting those who shame me dictate how I should play the order of my cd. Oh my God. I am talking pure nonsense now. Maybe I haven't changed.

And I know that in another 6 years I am going to read this and think, "Seriously....why did you even write this?"

I try not to over think things. I try to keep it simple on purpose. After awhile it comes rather naturally. I try to think of babies and my husband and my job and how to pay the bills and what we are going to eat for super and that keeps my mind pretty occupied so I dont think of stupid things like this whole blog just descrived. So I guess you can say life kinda hit me in a good way. For sanity's sake.