Thursday, July 31, 2008
Rain
I almost forgot to say last time it rained, me and Brittany went out on the front porch and stood there and watched. It was silent except for the drops of rain hitting the ground and it was nice and it almost made me cry. Almost. And I missed my mom.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Point of the Story
So my whole point of all below was to say this.
I try my hardest, absolute damn best, not to seperate myself, emotionally.
I feel stuck in this limbo. I know good and well anything can happen with Brittany's future and at any moment the state has full authority to take her away. I feel like I catch myself going thru the motions and I put on a pretty good act but inside my head its seriously empty so I dont reflect on what's in my heart because it's too painful. It could be the lack of nicotine or it could be the rollercoaster of emotions or it could be the stress but when I do this I quickly jerk myself back into reality, or is it fantasy? Either way I take it day to day and right now, today, Brittany is OUR baby and I am going to treat her without a shadow of a doubt like OUR baby.
Yesterday I did this all for the better of me. I acknowledged what I was doing and set it aside. In the end we might get hurt, we might not. But I have said this before and I will say it again, it's better to LOVE if you seriously LOVE someone because it makes you so happy at the moment, even if they don't love you back or they don't love you forever. It's better than being miserable, in love, and distant, afraid to hurt yourself. TAKE THE RISK. Just LOVE.
Also it is very much true that if Brittany is your neice or cousin or grandchild like she is our daughter and at the end she leaves our home, she will ALWAYS have been your neice or cousin or grandchild. I hope people remember this, for her sake. It really helps to reflect and let loose to love. Her love doesn't go on hold. Why should ours?
This is honest, this is true, I cannot change it. I want to remember how I felt, so I write it down. If I grow or regress I want to remember. I want her to know one day too. Everything we went thru and felt. We went thru everything for her.
I try my hardest, absolute damn best, not to seperate myself, emotionally.
I feel stuck in this limbo. I know good and well anything can happen with Brittany's future and at any moment the state has full authority to take her away. I feel like I catch myself going thru the motions and I put on a pretty good act but inside my head its seriously empty so I dont reflect on what's in my heart because it's too painful. It could be the lack of nicotine or it could be the rollercoaster of emotions or it could be the stress but when I do this I quickly jerk myself back into reality, or is it fantasy? Either way I take it day to day and right now, today, Brittany is OUR baby and I am going to treat her without a shadow of a doubt like OUR baby.
Yesterday I did this all for the better of me. I acknowledged what I was doing and set it aside. In the end we might get hurt, we might not. But I have said this before and I will say it again, it's better to LOVE if you seriously LOVE someone because it makes you so happy at the moment, even if they don't love you back or they don't love you forever. It's better than being miserable, in love, and distant, afraid to hurt yourself. TAKE THE RISK. Just LOVE.
Also it is very much true that if Brittany is your neice or cousin or grandchild like she is our daughter and at the end she leaves our home, she will ALWAYS have been your neice or cousin or grandchild. I hope people remember this, for her sake. It really helps to reflect and let loose to love. Her love doesn't go on hold. Why should ours?
This is honest, this is true, I cannot change it. I want to remember how I felt, so I write it down. If I grow or regress I want to remember. I want her to know one day too. Everything we went thru and felt. We went thru everything for her.
Until Help Arrives
So today has been kind of busy at work. Luckily I am insurance pro and can multi task WHILE doing things of my own personal agenda.
I have slowly but surely learned to multi task with home life as well. Its a hard transition for all involved in foster to adopt. Sometimes I feel myself, and this probably sounds so horrible I shouldn't even write it, seperate myself from the situation. Like for the first week, and perhaps you could tell, I was stressed with balancing newly 15 month old baby into Heather, work and wife duties. I had to learn how to find a common ground in my head of where to place emotions and become that stability in a childs life that obviously has no clue she is on the edge of her future unknown. I am also kind of OCD and like things where they go. I am also not entirely use to the idea of my mother in law at my house all day. It's not like I am ungrateful for her opening her heart and time to Brittany but when someone is in your "space" all day its just kind of creepy no matter how you want to look at it. If you don't get that then well tuff shit that's just how I feel. Then there was this second where me and Jeff look up at each other and say "Oh yea I forgot I was married for a second" running around after a 15 month old and doing those normal day to day things we have always done. It's funny because just this weekend we are like, "Man we are so busy now and it kind of sucks because we are some lazy people." and then we said "Well you know what we would normally be doing on the weekends? Blowing money on baby stuff. " ha ha ha. It's just so funny. And then there was the whole stressed CPS is gonna take away Brittany because CPS worker is insane thing and thinks we smoke in the house. Entirely not true. So we quit smoking, and that in itself is just plan freaking stressful. And for a brief second I felt like IVF all over again. Dangle this baby and then take her away.
Then there's the not enough time during the day to play. You can tell the girl has attachment problems on top of her just being plan baby cranky. She is pushing 2 so whats a baby to do but be upset about teething and rashes and not being able to communicate and pissed when you leave and pissed about the car seat and pissed its 30 minutes passed her bed time and pissed you even said the word "No" like "No Brittany you cannot touch the stove and burn your baby hands"
" WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" is her response and all of the sudden she has a melt down. It's funny because once when I worked at the funeral home, my manager, who I had this love hate relationship with, because frankly he was just plain Satan, told me one thing I will never ever ever forget. " With repitition comes confidence" Smart bastard.
So here it is week 2. I am becoming more confident. When she throws a fit I know exactly what works and when she is just being a brat or having her heart broke. Foster kids are totally different than regular kids. And it's hard to discern that fine line of normalcy. But with repitition comes confidence and I can feel it grow each day.
PLUS I now longer feel the need for a 6 pack and a box of ciggarettes. ha ha well today that is.
I always heard other moms saying this or that and they want to pull their hair out and they wished they would have waited and here I was 4 years in the making of pre-mommahood only dreaming of having a child and just wanted to slay their tired saggy eyed momma faces and say
"DAMN IT WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU. I WISH I COULD BE SO LUCKY TO BE SO TIRED, I WILL NEVER COMPLAIN WHEN MY TIME COMES"
But here I sit, complaining. I would like to think I am not so much complaining as I am just stating the facts. lol PLUS haven't I earned the right to complain? Hasn't every mom? This has deffinately shed some light on things I did not take into consideration before. I on the other hand cherish every moment of it. I reflect back each day and am so thankful and feel so blessed to have tired feet and hands and mind because I lean on and trust in the fact that I am a Mommy and 15 month old breakdowns will not last forever. Each day is different and each day is new. Yes there will be different aged meltdowns but I will be more equiped, hopefully, when the time comes.
I also wanted to reiterate the fact that it feels sooooooo weird to wake up and be in this sudden club of mommies. Like for instance I was talking to Jessica yesterday and her sister in law told her we should set up a play date. ha ha ha. If I had not had a daughter I would probably never even consider hanging out. And now me and Jessica are talking more, and me and Beka and Lorie are hanging out more. It's like this common bond we share that brings us together and its so freaking strange to me. Another example. I was at Wal-Mart rushing to grab a monitor last Thursday when randomly this lady standing next to them starts telling me about her 16 month old boy who throws her cell phone down the toilet and she was purchasing a safety lock for the toilet and I responded with which one I had bought but had not tried yet and she responds with what monitor she used and which one sucks. And here we are mommies talking about babies and I am a little bit creeped out because for all she knew I was buying a baby shower gift and this unfamiliar sense of companianship was in the air and I shed a single tear inside my mind and ran away to the check out line. Am I a retard or what? It's like I could hear "Its a bittersweet symphony" playing on my way up to the check out line, like I am in a freaking musical.
I have slowly but surely learned to multi task with home life as well. Its a hard transition for all involved in foster to adopt. Sometimes I feel myself, and this probably sounds so horrible I shouldn't even write it, seperate myself from the situation. Like for the first week, and perhaps you could tell, I was stressed with balancing newly 15 month old baby into Heather, work and wife duties. I had to learn how to find a common ground in my head of where to place emotions and become that stability in a childs life that obviously has no clue she is on the edge of her future unknown. I am also kind of OCD and like things where they go. I am also not entirely use to the idea of my mother in law at my house all day. It's not like I am ungrateful for her opening her heart and time to Brittany but when someone is in your "space" all day its just kind of creepy no matter how you want to look at it. If you don't get that then well tuff shit that's just how I feel. Then there was this second where me and Jeff look up at each other and say "Oh yea I forgot I was married for a second" running around after a 15 month old and doing those normal day to day things we have always done. It's funny because just this weekend we are like, "Man we are so busy now and it kind of sucks because we are some lazy people." and then we said "Well you know what we would normally be doing on the weekends? Blowing money on baby stuff. " ha ha ha. It's just so funny. And then there was the whole stressed CPS is gonna take away Brittany because CPS worker is insane thing and thinks we smoke in the house. Entirely not true. So we quit smoking, and that in itself is just plan freaking stressful. And for a brief second I felt like IVF all over again. Dangle this baby and then take her away.
Then there's the not enough time during the day to play. You can tell the girl has attachment problems on top of her just being plan baby cranky. She is pushing 2 so whats a baby to do but be upset about teething and rashes and not being able to communicate and pissed when you leave and pissed about the car seat and pissed its 30 minutes passed her bed time and pissed you even said the word "No" like "No Brittany you cannot touch the stove and burn your baby hands"
" WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" is her response and all of the sudden she has a melt down. It's funny because once when I worked at the funeral home, my manager, who I had this love hate relationship with, because frankly he was just plain Satan, told me one thing I will never ever ever forget. " With repitition comes confidence" Smart bastard.
So here it is week 2. I am becoming more confident. When she throws a fit I know exactly what works and when she is just being a brat or having her heart broke. Foster kids are totally different than regular kids. And it's hard to discern that fine line of normalcy. But with repitition comes confidence and I can feel it grow each day.
PLUS I now longer feel the need for a 6 pack and a box of ciggarettes. ha ha well today that is.
I always heard other moms saying this or that and they want to pull their hair out and they wished they would have waited and here I was 4 years in the making of pre-mommahood only dreaming of having a child and just wanted to slay their tired saggy eyed momma faces and say
"DAMN IT WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU. I WISH I COULD BE SO LUCKY TO BE SO TIRED, I WILL NEVER COMPLAIN WHEN MY TIME COMES"
But here I sit, complaining. I would like to think I am not so much complaining as I am just stating the facts. lol PLUS haven't I earned the right to complain? Hasn't every mom? This has deffinately shed some light on things I did not take into consideration before. I on the other hand cherish every moment of it. I reflect back each day and am so thankful and feel so blessed to have tired feet and hands and mind because I lean on and trust in the fact that I am a Mommy and 15 month old breakdowns will not last forever. Each day is different and each day is new. Yes there will be different aged meltdowns but I will be more equiped, hopefully, when the time comes.
I also wanted to reiterate the fact that it feels sooooooo weird to wake up and be in this sudden club of mommies. Like for instance I was talking to Jessica yesterday and her sister in law told her we should set up a play date. ha ha ha. If I had not had a daughter I would probably never even consider hanging out. And now me and Jessica are talking more, and me and Beka and Lorie are hanging out more. It's like this common bond we share that brings us together and its so freaking strange to me. Another example. I was at Wal-Mart rushing to grab a monitor last Thursday when randomly this lady standing next to them starts telling me about her 16 month old boy who throws her cell phone down the toilet and she was purchasing a safety lock for the toilet and I responded with which one I had bought but had not tried yet and she responds with what monitor she used and which one sucks. And here we are mommies talking about babies and I am a little bit creeped out because for all she knew I was buying a baby shower gift and this unfamiliar sense of companianship was in the air and I shed a single tear inside my mind and ran away to the check out line. Am I a retard or what? It's like I could hear "Its a bittersweet symphony" playing on my way up to the check out line, like I am in a freaking musical.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
New Day
Today turned out to go rather well. Except the mass amount of rain our road got all at once turning it into a pile of mud.
Brittany's CASA worker came out today to see her. She was super nice and told us what a great job we are doing with her. She said that Brittany is doing great and adjusting well and that she was really glad with us quiting smoking and was sympathetic at what a hard job it was for us to even attempt. She left us with a smile and we left to go to work leaving Brittany with Adell. It was a good morning but the lady was wearing red high heals and they were completely covered in mud by the time she got from the middle of our road to our house. She was driving a car and couldn't drive all the way up without getting stuck. lol She had a good laugh though and was a good sport about it. Of all the days and days it never rained and she had to come TODAY! lol oh well, she is going to be telling our CPS worker to relax on her concerns with us and our house and confirmed that CPS lady is a crazy crazy bitch. Not in those words but you know. :)
I still haven't had a ciggarette. I must say it is a little easier this go around but still the anxiety is there and I am chewing on a peice of gum like its nobodies business. My boss is super stressed today too and I think she might just kill someone. There is apparantly a group of middle aged men in Huffman running around robbing businesses and they are trying to steal from her other business The Sawmill. They have been stalking out at night and these guys actually had the nerve to cut thru chain wire at 11:30 at night to steal their equipment and tractor. Its just sooo insane. Its the Saw Mill right in front of James Maddon's neighborhood. Her son Buck who lives across the streat was up all night with a shot gun. lol Huffman drama. Too bad I know about it. I would rather have been in the dark and not be apart of this hillbilly stupidness.
I think Brittany may have some attachment issues. She wants to do nothing but have me or Jeff hold her constantly while she plays or does something. At the same time she wants to be totally independent and how dare you try to feed or do something for her. Is this normal? WTH?
It is also Tara's Birthday! Happy Birthday Aunt Tara, even though you probably don't read this. I am thinking about you. I asked today if we can make a trip to Austin and supposedly our CASA worker is inquiring about it. I will touch base with her again tomorrow and see if we got an answer. They said it may be tricky because its out of region. HUMMMMMM......
Work is still boring. It is still raining.
Brittany's CASA worker came out today to see her. She was super nice and told us what a great job we are doing with her. She said that Brittany is doing great and adjusting well and that she was really glad with us quiting smoking and was sympathetic at what a hard job it was for us to even attempt. She left us with a smile and we left to go to work leaving Brittany with Adell. It was a good morning but the lady was wearing red high heals and they were completely covered in mud by the time she got from the middle of our road to our house. She was driving a car and couldn't drive all the way up without getting stuck. lol She had a good laugh though and was a good sport about it. Of all the days and days it never rained and she had to come TODAY! lol oh well, she is going to be telling our CPS worker to relax on her concerns with us and our house and confirmed that CPS lady is a crazy crazy bitch. Not in those words but you know. :)
I still haven't had a ciggarette. I must say it is a little easier this go around but still the anxiety is there and I am chewing on a peice of gum like its nobodies business. My boss is super stressed today too and I think she might just kill someone. There is apparantly a group of middle aged men in Huffman running around robbing businesses and they are trying to steal from her other business The Sawmill. They have been stalking out at night and these guys actually had the nerve to cut thru chain wire at 11:30 at night to steal their equipment and tractor. Its just sooo insane. Its the Saw Mill right in front of James Maddon's neighborhood. Her son Buck who lives across the streat was up all night with a shot gun. lol Huffman drama. Too bad I know about it. I would rather have been in the dark and not be apart of this hillbilly stupidness.
I think Brittany may have some attachment issues. She wants to do nothing but have me or Jeff hold her constantly while she plays or does something. At the same time she wants to be totally independent and how dare you try to feed or do something for her. Is this normal? WTH?
It is also Tara's Birthday! Happy Birthday Aunt Tara, even though you probably don't read this. I am thinking about you. I asked today if we can make a trip to Austin and supposedly our CASA worker is inquiring about it. I will touch base with her again tomorrow and see if we got an answer. They said it may be tricky because its out of region. HUMMMMMM......
Work is still boring. It is still raining.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
CPS IS A BITCH
I am stressed. There is alot I don't want to say because I am positive it will all disolve itslef and just go away but right now at this very moment cps is being incredibley stupid and there is nothing I can really do about it except sit back and wait for it to pan out.
I had a dream I was at the beach with a 6 pack of beer and a box of cig. lol how funny is that? I guess the patch makes you dream of crazy things.
I also have this weird feeling I am walking on egg shells and we are being looked at under a microscope. I mean obviously we are but dangity dang I just want to grab a case of beer and smoke some ciggarettes.
Work is still boring. I wrote in my CPS documentation book today. Set up some Dr's appointments for Brittany for August. Was told she needed an eye exam soon. How on earth does a 15 month old get an eye exam? I didn't know there was such a thing?
I left for work this morning and gave her a hug and we told each other "Duce" before I walked out the door with her screaming. She hates it when we leave. Jeff is lucky and leaves before she gets up in the morning.....turns out bites are going away...no more swelling...perhaps she was just allergic to some serious ants or mosquitos.
I wish it would have rained more.
Brittany's Casa worker is coming to the house in the morning at 10 to visit with us. She is kind of like someone CPS highers to keep an eye out for her and her case. I am glad. She sounds really nice. Maybe she can get me some stuff we need.
I want to go to the zoo. NOW!
Jeff is going out of town some time in early August. It's gonna be weird just me and Brittany at home. I have to think of kid projects now. Educational fun!
This weekend Lorie is going to give us hair lessons. We are going to cook and have lunch with her family and Beka's. It's gonna be SWEET. lol
I think I got that from Kameron who was showing me his tattoo last week on his arm and told me it was "pretty sweet"...he's four!
I think I need to find Mapoozle a new home. A good home. But she has 5 babies and I have to wait awhile. I need to simplify my life more. Maybe I am just in this quit smoking zone and panic attachs are getting to me. Day 2.
I need some coffee. Whats today? Wednesday?
Tomorrow is Tara's Birthday. I wish we could go to Austin.
Friday is Jame's Birthday. James is growing up so nice. I wish I had his address. (wink wink)
You guys are on my calenders so I don't forget. I forget alot these days. Too much going on.
Im at this happy medium. I will explain more later. When I can.
I had a dream I was at the beach with a 6 pack of beer and a box of cig. lol how funny is that? I guess the patch makes you dream of crazy things.
I also have this weird feeling I am walking on egg shells and we are being looked at under a microscope. I mean obviously we are but dangity dang I just want to grab a case of beer and smoke some ciggarettes.
Work is still boring. I wrote in my CPS documentation book today. Set up some Dr's appointments for Brittany for August. Was told she needed an eye exam soon. How on earth does a 15 month old get an eye exam? I didn't know there was such a thing?
I left for work this morning and gave her a hug and we told each other "Duce" before I walked out the door with her screaming. She hates it when we leave. Jeff is lucky and leaves before she gets up in the morning.....turns out bites are going away...no more swelling...perhaps she was just allergic to some serious ants or mosquitos.
I wish it would have rained more.
Brittany's Casa worker is coming to the house in the morning at 10 to visit with us. She is kind of like someone CPS highers to keep an eye out for her and her case. I am glad. She sounds really nice. Maybe she can get me some stuff we need.
I want to go to the zoo. NOW!
Jeff is going out of town some time in early August. It's gonna be weird just me and Brittany at home. I have to think of kid projects now. Educational fun!
This weekend Lorie is going to give us hair lessons. We are going to cook and have lunch with her family and Beka's. It's gonna be SWEET. lol
I think I got that from Kameron who was showing me his tattoo last week on his arm and told me it was "pretty sweet"...he's four!
I think I need to find Mapoozle a new home. A good home. But she has 5 babies and I have to wait awhile. I need to simplify my life more. Maybe I am just in this quit smoking zone and panic attachs are getting to me. Day 2.
I need some coffee. Whats today? Wednesday?
Tomorrow is Tara's Birthday. I wish we could go to Austin.
Friday is Jame's Birthday. James is growing up so nice. I wish I had his address. (wink wink)
You guys are on my calenders so I don't forget. I forget alot these days. Too much going on.
Im at this happy medium. I will explain more later. When I can.
Its Official!
I have quit smoking! I didn't have anything yesterday and today is MUCH better. lol The first day is always such a drag. I got home so cranky and just told myself, Heather, take it one day at a time.
Brittany was asleep by 7:30 pm although I wanted to help her go to sleep around 6 that wasn't happening. She was sooooo angry and her nap was early so she was very tired. Jeff made some chili and it was good. I think Brittany may have ringworms. lol from playing in the sand without shoes on. Poor baby. Either that or she may be alergic to ants? She has red bump on her arm and one on her leg and one in the middle of her eyes and the swelling has gone down since yesterday but its still red. We bought some creme to put on it and it seems to be itching her. I say its ringworms. Her dang doctor wont call me back so I can make an appointment.
Work is sooo slow this morning. We are cut off from writing any new business because of Dolly. It's crazy. I don't even know why I am here to tell you the truth. Wish I could just go home.
It's supposed to rain today. Looks like it did a little last night. I am hungry. It's only 9:30 am. Geesh I wish I had some breakfast.
Brittany was asleep by 7:30 pm although I wanted to help her go to sleep around 6 that wasn't happening. She was sooooo angry and her nap was early so she was very tired. Jeff made some chili and it was good. I think Brittany may have ringworms. lol from playing in the sand without shoes on. Poor baby. Either that or she may be alergic to ants? She has red bump on her arm and one on her leg and one in the middle of her eyes and the swelling has gone down since yesterday but its still red. We bought some creme to put on it and it seems to be itching her. I say its ringworms. Her dang doctor wont call me back so I can make an appointment.
Work is sooo slow this morning. We are cut off from writing any new business because of Dolly. It's crazy. I don't even know why I am here to tell you the truth. Wish I could just go home.
It's supposed to rain today. Looks like it did a little last night. I am hungry. It's only 9:30 am. Geesh I wish I had some breakfast.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Momma, Da Da, Baby
Those are the three words Brittany can say without flaw. She is too funny.
I cannot wait until she can say more, every day she is trying to imitate songs or words and movements. VERY SMART KID. Yesterday Jeff's mom babysat for a couple of hours while we took some time to go on a quick date to the movies. We saw Batman and it was SWEET! lol I don't use that word EVER but it was pretty dang cool. Joker totally outshined Batman and its so sad that Joker will never be able to be as awesome again. Heath Ledger was a Joker genius.
ALSO we are officially non smokers as of tomorrow. Its gonna be one big headache this week but with our lucky nicotine patches and gum we are good to go.
Brittany is now sleeping almost a full 11 hours at night straight! So good for her since she is a much happier baby when she is awake.
On a Heather note.....tomatoe plants are dying on the porch...too dry and not enough time to remember to water them anymore. :(
Pugs are loving baby and Abby is Brittany's favorite. It's so crazy because Abby is such a slug and just wants to sleep on the sofa all day and theres a little 15 month old trying to rip her off and hug her. ha ha ha
Eva's Birthday was Saturday and we went to her party at the park in Humble. It was fun because Brittany got to swing and slide on the playground. Its so insane seeing Eva running around like a little person. She is very adult and she is only 2!
There is always TONS of paperwork with adoption. I have been working on Brittany's folder ALL DAY. Organizing and copying and faxing and filling out all the good details. Record keeping is a must and I am pretty bad about that. I must get better, there is so much still to be done.
Soon we need to get started on our Brittany Book. Decided also to call my sister Aunt Brittany.....perhaps Aunt B? What do you think? Can't decide.
I cannot wait until she can say more, every day she is trying to imitate songs or words and movements. VERY SMART KID. Yesterday Jeff's mom babysat for a couple of hours while we took some time to go on a quick date to the movies. We saw Batman and it was SWEET! lol I don't use that word EVER but it was pretty dang cool. Joker totally outshined Batman and its so sad that Joker will never be able to be as awesome again. Heath Ledger was a Joker genius.
ALSO we are officially non smokers as of tomorrow. Its gonna be one big headache this week but with our lucky nicotine patches and gum we are good to go.
Brittany is now sleeping almost a full 11 hours at night straight! So good for her since she is a much happier baby when she is awake.
On a Heather note.....tomatoe plants are dying on the porch...too dry and not enough time to remember to water them anymore. :(
Pugs are loving baby and Abby is Brittany's favorite. It's so crazy because Abby is such a slug and just wants to sleep on the sofa all day and theres a little 15 month old trying to rip her off and hug her. ha ha ha
Eva's Birthday was Saturday and we went to her party at the park in Humble. It was fun because Brittany got to swing and slide on the playground. Its so insane seeing Eva running around like a little person. She is very adult and she is only 2!
There is always TONS of paperwork with adoption. I have been working on Brittany's folder ALL DAY. Organizing and copying and faxing and filling out all the good details. Record keeping is a must and I am pretty bad about that. I must get better, there is so much still to be done.
Soon we need to get started on our Brittany Book. Decided also to call my sister Aunt Brittany.....perhaps Aunt B? What do you think? Can't decide.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Welcome to the World of Baby
The true adventure has begun.
It's amazing, even the notion, that you are living your life one day
childless, anxious, waiting for something to happen with adoption
and then the next day you wake up and your a momma.
Your still anxious, scared, nervous, your brain is shot from all these new feelings,
not to mention you constantly need a cig but your too busy to smoke one, lol.
You bring your 14 month old baby home and your house is turned upside down in toys and laughter and screaming and crying and poop and diapers and baby food and juice and sippy cups and 30 second attention spans and teething
and more anxiety, apprehensiveness.....
do you get to adopt her, do you have to watch her leave?
Is she going to fall and hurt herself and then CPS is going to take her away?
Does she hate you? Does she love you? Is she detached? Is she on target?
Are you stressing too much? Not enough?
Ah the unknown of motherhood.
I knew I would say it one day......but nobody told me is would be so nerve wrecking! lol
Nobody said you will worry until the day you probably die.....
actually I do recall my mother saying that once.
I feel like a mom, but its too soon to elaborate.
I know Jeff feels like a dad, and is actually a really good dad.
She is like his shadow.
She doesn't like us to leave her at all. She wants to see us at all times.
She is probably scared after leaving her previous foster dad and thinks we will do the same.
Only time will heal.
Her name is Brittany Michelle, she is the happiest baby in the world.
She laughs all the time and has the most evilest little laugh when she gets super happy.
Her face gets all twisty and she kind of hisses the way Jeff does when he does that side ways face hideous laugh.
There is so much I have to say about her and write about her.
I am just going to sit back and take it as a sign that her first and middle name are both my sisters names.
Brittany, obviously and Michelle is Brandy's middle name.
A sign? Is it?
I was going to sleep last night thinking if we should change it to Brittany Michelle Tara Buck....just to be fair. lol
Let's go back a couple of days shall we?
Okay so we got "The Email" Monday, as stated in my previous post.
From there Brittany's foster dad called to set up a time for us to come and pick her up. We talked for about an hour about Brittany's birth family and case and her history with him. He loves her very much and is sad to see her go but he knows it's the best for her.
We decide to get her Tuesday at 5 because she takes a nap around 2 or 3 and will be up then happy to greet us. I went ahead and took off Tuesday and Wednesday just to make sure we had everything ready for her when she got to the house. We went to WalMart Monday night to get a toddler car seat and some snacks and some clothes, we figured size 18 months since she is 15 months old. As much clothes as we already had we did not however have any girls clothes in those sizes. We were sooo nervous and anxious and just plan on edge ready. After 3 years of trying to have a baby it just seemed to be coming so quick. It was and still is a shock to the system.
Tuesday Jeff worked half a day while I slept and then paced the yard. I was just so worried that she was going to get to our house and hate us. I would be soooo sad. I am not going to write the ins and outs of her case or how it came about she was taken into care so don't even ask...its basically no ones business and it's her story to tell one day. Not mine. Plus that she is not adopted yet so we are not supposed to talk about it to anyone anyways.
So at 4:30 we head over to pick her up. Just us two and the foster family. Noone from DDC or CPS. It was weird and exciting and nerve wrecking to say the least. I was trying to pay attention to her and look at her pics and listen to what the FD was saying all at the same time. We didn't know what to do first. lol He had soooo many pictures of her but she was right there! Why would we want to look at pictures of her when she was standing right there!
While we were there she was crawling around on the floor just watching us. She started staring at Jeff and he was trying to talk to her under the table and drool was just falling out of her mouth. She was posed for about 5 minutes before she moved. She was trying to figure us out. I think she had a pretty good idea what was going on. She finally grabbed a hold of Jeff's finger and let him pick her up. It was truely magical. When it was time to go I held out my arms and she came to me. She waved by to the FD and we walked out the door.
Then finally with her, 5 bags of toys and clothes, a rocking horse and rocking chair, her big yellow duck she sleeps with and a green blanket we packed the car and drove home.
The whole drive she just watched us and laughed at me sitting in the back seat with her while Jeff drove. She was happy and well entertained with her new car seat handle bars.
When we got home we showed her the yard and her room and her toys and the pugs. She and Abby got in each others faces and just looked and looked. She absoluetly LOVES Abby.
When she walked in her room Jeff was holding her. The first thing she wanted to see was a light on the wall. She would press it and watch it glow. She did that for about 5 minutes giggling. It was like she found a light in the darkness of the room and I will never forget it.
Then Jeff's parents came, my parents came with my sister Brittany and Tommy and Jessica came with Eva. Eva was jeleous and mentioned that was her Jeff. lol They played well together and she was still just smiling and laughing. When they left around 9 she cried a little and was probably tired of seeing everyone come and go. We layed her down in the pack and play and she fell right to sleep. She didn't wake up until 6 am.
The next day our clinician came over to have us sign some papers. She is basically the lady from Depelchin that is a mediator for us with CPS. She was probably our age and really nice. Although she didn't know anything about Brittany's case she was aware of CPS pushing for parental rights being terminated in September.
It is sad to be happy at the thought of her bio parents rights being terminated but I am and we are so blessed to be her parents, we cannot help but to chear for ourselves and Brittany who needs a safe and happy family to love her and watch her grow. I dread the thought of what could happen to Brittany if she goes back home, she obviously wasn't safe to be there in the first place and although we are told her bio parents do love her, they just cannot take care of her our feelings of the situation are backed up by CPS's view as well as the courts.
After our clinician left we went to Wal Mart to buy some diapers and more wipies. I know we couldn't have know about the diapers until we got a placement but I wish someone would have told me to stock up on some wipies. We also got some toys and snacks she likes to eat and a small kids pool for her to swim in on the porch. Jeff's mom came with us so she would be use to her and well adjusted when we returned to work. We had a fun day running around shopping and laughing and screaming in Wal Mart. She threw her sippy cup down and water went EVERYWHERE in the food section and we kind of just ran away laughing. It was embarassing. I think everyone has one of these stories though !
When we got home she ate some super...played in her pool and passed out! Then me and Jeff crashed on the sofa to just bask in the tiredness of our day. We are parents, we are constant, we are busy, and although scared to death, we are happy.
It's amazing, even the notion, that you are living your life one day
childless, anxious, waiting for something to happen with adoption
and then the next day you wake up and your a momma.
Your still anxious, scared, nervous, your brain is shot from all these new feelings,
not to mention you constantly need a cig but your too busy to smoke one, lol.
You bring your 14 month old baby home and your house is turned upside down in toys and laughter and screaming and crying and poop and diapers and baby food and juice and sippy cups and 30 second attention spans and teething
and more anxiety, apprehensiveness.....
do you get to adopt her, do you have to watch her leave?
Is she going to fall and hurt herself and then CPS is going to take her away?
Does she hate you? Does she love you? Is she detached? Is she on target?
Are you stressing too much? Not enough?
Ah the unknown of motherhood.
I knew I would say it one day......but nobody told me is would be so nerve wrecking! lol
Nobody said you will worry until the day you probably die.....
actually I do recall my mother saying that once.
I feel like a mom, but its too soon to elaborate.
I know Jeff feels like a dad, and is actually a really good dad.
She is like his shadow.
She doesn't like us to leave her at all. She wants to see us at all times.
She is probably scared after leaving her previous foster dad and thinks we will do the same.
Only time will heal.
Her name is Brittany Michelle, she is the happiest baby in the world.
She laughs all the time and has the most evilest little laugh when she gets super happy.
Her face gets all twisty and she kind of hisses the way Jeff does when he does that side ways face hideous laugh.
There is so much I have to say about her and write about her.
I am just going to sit back and take it as a sign that her first and middle name are both my sisters names.
Brittany, obviously and Michelle is Brandy's middle name.
A sign? Is it?
I was going to sleep last night thinking if we should change it to Brittany Michelle Tara Buck....just to be fair. lol
Let's go back a couple of days shall we?
Okay so we got "The Email" Monday, as stated in my previous post.
From there Brittany's foster dad called to set up a time for us to come and pick her up. We talked for about an hour about Brittany's birth family and case and her history with him. He loves her very much and is sad to see her go but he knows it's the best for her.
We decide to get her Tuesday at 5 because she takes a nap around 2 or 3 and will be up then happy to greet us. I went ahead and took off Tuesday and Wednesday just to make sure we had everything ready for her when she got to the house. We went to WalMart Monday night to get a toddler car seat and some snacks and some clothes, we figured size 18 months since she is 15 months old. As much clothes as we already had we did not however have any girls clothes in those sizes. We were sooo nervous and anxious and just plan on edge ready. After 3 years of trying to have a baby it just seemed to be coming so quick. It was and still is a shock to the system.
Tuesday Jeff worked half a day while I slept and then paced the yard. I was just so worried that she was going to get to our house and hate us. I would be soooo sad. I am not going to write the ins and outs of her case or how it came about she was taken into care so don't even ask...its basically no ones business and it's her story to tell one day. Not mine. Plus that she is not adopted yet so we are not supposed to talk about it to anyone anyways.
So at 4:30 we head over to pick her up. Just us two and the foster family. Noone from DDC or CPS. It was weird and exciting and nerve wrecking to say the least. I was trying to pay attention to her and look at her pics and listen to what the FD was saying all at the same time. We didn't know what to do first. lol He had soooo many pictures of her but she was right there! Why would we want to look at pictures of her when she was standing right there!
While we were there she was crawling around on the floor just watching us. She started staring at Jeff and he was trying to talk to her under the table and drool was just falling out of her mouth. She was posed for about 5 minutes before she moved. She was trying to figure us out. I think she had a pretty good idea what was going on. She finally grabbed a hold of Jeff's finger and let him pick her up. It was truely magical. When it was time to go I held out my arms and she came to me. She waved by to the FD and we walked out the door.
Then finally with her, 5 bags of toys and clothes, a rocking horse and rocking chair, her big yellow duck she sleeps with and a green blanket we packed the car and drove home.
The whole drive she just watched us and laughed at me sitting in the back seat with her while Jeff drove. She was happy and well entertained with her new car seat handle bars.
When we got home we showed her the yard and her room and her toys and the pugs. She and Abby got in each others faces and just looked and looked. She absoluetly LOVES Abby.
When she walked in her room Jeff was holding her. The first thing she wanted to see was a light on the wall. She would press it and watch it glow. She did that for about 5 minutes giggling. It was like she found a light in the darkness of the room and I will never forget it.
Then Jeff's parents came, my parents came with my sister Brittany and Tommy and Jessica came with Eva. Eva was jeleous and mentioned that was her Jeff. lol They played well together and she was still just smiling and laughing. When they left around 9 she cried a little and was probably tired of seeing everyone come and go. We layed her down in the pack and play and she fell right to sleep. She didn't wake up until 6 am.
The next day our clinician came over to have us sign some papers. She is basically the lady from Depelchin that is a mediator for us with CPS. She was probably our age and really nice. Although she didn't know anything about Brittany's case she was aware of CPS pushing for parental rights being terminated in September.
It is sad to be happy at the thought of her bio parents rights being terminated but I am and we are so blessed to be her parents, we cannot help but to chear for ourselves and Brittany who needs a safe and happy family to love her and watch her grow. I dread the thought of what could happen to Brittany if she goes back home, she obviously wasn't safe to be there in the first place and although we are told her bio parents do love her, they just cannot take care of her our feelings of the situation are backed up by CPS's view as well as the courts.
After our clinician left we went to Wal Mart to buy some diapers and more wipies. I know we couldn't have know about the diapers until we got a placement but I wish someone would have told me to stock up on some wipies. We also got some toys and snacks she likes to eat and a small kids pool for her to swim in on the porch. Jeff's mom came with us so she would be use to her and well adjusted when we returned to work. We had a fun day running around shopping and laughing and screaming in Wal Mart. She threw her sippy cup down and water went EVERYWHERE in the food section and we kind of just ran away laughing. It was embarassing. I think everyone has one of these stories though !
When we got home she ate some super...played in her pool and passed out! Then me and Jeff crashed on the sofa to just bask in the tiredness of our day. We are parents, we are constant, we are busy, and although scared to death, we are happy.
Monday, July 14, 2008
CAUTION!!!
We just totally got a call from a lady at DDC telling us if we wanted the little baby girl from Friday's email we could bring her home in two days!
OH WOW! I can't believe this! I am getting more details as I type. She will call back in another hour to let me know if there is any family getting together their stuff to try and adopt her. But CPS is trying to find a non relative adoptive home and her current FP are in the process of marital problems so her case worker wanted her moved out asap. But she is a happy healthy 14 going on 15 month CC/Hispanic possibly AA.
Case worker just called. She will be home tomorrow or Wednesday! WOW WOW WOW!
She is a legal risk placement so her parents rights must still be terminated for us to adopt. Apparantly she came into CPS from some physical abuse. CPS is pushing adoption. Her next court date is in September!
Thanks everyone for all your prayers and wishful thinking!
Looks like we will at least be Foster Parents! Yay!
OH WOW! I can't believe this! I am getting more details as I type. She will call back in another hour to let me know if there is any family getting together their stuff to try and adopt her. But CPS is trying to find a non relative adoptive home and her current FP are in the process of marital problems so her case worker wanted her moved out asap. But she is a happy healthy 14 going on 15 month CC/Hispanic possibly AA.
Case worker just called. She will be home tomorrow or Wednesday! WOW WOW WOW!
She is a legal risk placement so her parents rights must still be terminated for us to adopt. Apparantly she came into CPS from some physical abuse. CPS is pushing adoption. Her next court date is in September!
Thanks everyone for all your prayers and wishful thinking!
Looks like we will at least be Foster Parents! Yay!
Friday, July 11, 2008
Nursing Homes
Wrote this poem when I was a CNA at an assisted living home in Kingwood.
***
Sleepless Town
Sleepless Town
Put on your gown
Sleepless Town
*
I've grown accustom
to your steady frown
your weary turns
your smells and sounds.
*
Never bright
Never cool
Always followed
Simply Ruled
*
And this is where they lay their heads
In their chairs
or in their beds
*
Drugged up on
medication pills
Fixed from steady
golden years
*
And not a day
that comes and goes
is there an awakening
or an impossible thought shaking
*
But always is a light on
Ringing in my pocket
in my head
needing fresh sheets on the bed
*
I only wish the best years for them
Countless numbered aging men
And woman in their deathly grins
*
For the sake of their community
For the convenience of their family
For the better of the heavenlies
And non for the better of men.
Another Email
Got another email today. 15 month old Hispanic/CC/AA baby girl. Will wait to see whats going on with her. She will be a legal risk placement and they need a home by next week. DDC not saying much of how this placement will occur.
Busy at work.
Headache.
Tired of the run around.
Busy at work.
Headache.
Tired of the run around.
This is Who We Are
I wrote this poem when I first started into the Funeral Business. Its really when I started to open my eyes and what all was going on.
**********
Cultivate the Dealers
with one thing on their mind
To drive until the cars been sold
To please their quota sign
***
Please Take my card.
(Participant Fumble)
***
I Believe in Valuable Time,
Reflection of transition of the mind.
A Billion dollar company will soon find
a way to sugar coat their money making kind.
I Believe in Hunger of The Soul.
Treating 100 individuals as a whole
makes one slightly lose their own Integrity.
I believe men aren't as great as they make themselves appear.
Over the years pumped with their own quality of air
And makes you intrigued in empty expectations,
I Believe in Difference of a Community.
We clone our workers to look
High into our Dignity.
And are reminded to shine as a Whole
But plenty,
Buy into the process
Of Standard Dead Men Cities
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Quick As Lightning!
I just learned one thing today! Nothing ever goes as planned and anything can happpen in the land of adoption. Here I am sitting minding my own business trying not to eat my fingernails off when all of the sudden a lady from Depelchin calls and wants to know if we would be interested in taking in two girls. A six month old and a 2 year old they are both AA/Hispanic. Parents are users and some Aunt had custody but gave them back to their parents so they got taken away again. Perfectly healthy little girls! SO of course I am thrown off guard because first off, no one calls you, they email you, and you got a picture and basically all day to decide and second off they want us to take them...TONIGHT! Well of course I want to know if we do... then can we still take in the other little boy who we were matched with if we are picked in another month? I am told that we would probably cap out on kids because we are only licensed for 2 and with us being so young having 3 kids under 3 isn't an ideal situation. lol Hell I don't care, give me all your kids!
So she says they are healthy and it looks like they will be foster to adopt and she has a good feeling that they will end up being adopted. SOOOOO I want to call Jeff first, right?
Of course! So I call him and can't get ahold of his no bringing cell phone ass and manage to finally get ahold of him on Tommy's phone. With a few, very few anxious words we decide, "Yes we will take them" So I call her back to tell her yes and she says she's going to call it in and do you know what happened next? She calls me back 30 MINUTES later to tell me that another family already said yes like forever ago. PFFFFFFFFT! WE DIDNT HAVE A CHANCE. LOL
Oh well....back to the waiting game.
Lesson learned, if someone calls you and wants to bring you a baby TODAY dont call and ask your husband. Just say yes! lol But it's okay because we still have a slight chance being picked with 14 month old baby boy.
Then I got a txt from Melissia saying she just got a call about the same children lol. But she wasn't quick enough either!
What a rollercoaster. One minute your freaking out because your thinking OMG these kids are coming tonight and I need to go to the store and get this and this and the next your bummed because you didn't act fast enough.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Driving me mad! BUT I am glad they even thought of me! lol
So she says they are healthy and it looks like they will be foster to adopt and she has a good feeling that they will end up being adopted. SOOOOO I want to call Jeff first, right?
Of course! So I call him and can't get ahold of his no bringing cell phone ass and manage to finally get ahold of him on Tommy's phone. With a few, very few anxious words we decide, "Yes we will take them" So I call her back to tell her yes and she says she's going to call it in and do you know what happened next? She calls me back 30 MINUTES later to tell me that another family already said yes like forever ago. PFFFFFFFFT! WE DIDNT HAVE A CHANCE. LOL
Oh well....back to the waiting game.
Lesson learned, if someone calls you and wants to bring you a baby TODAY dont call and ask your husband. Just say yes! lol But it's okay because we still have a slight chance being picked with 14 month old baby boy.
Then I got a txt from Melissia saying she just got a call about the same children lol. But she wasn't quick enough either!
What a rollercoaster. One minute your freaking out because your thinking OMG these kids are coming tonight and I need to go to the store and get this and this and the next your bummed because you didn't act fast enough.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Driving me mad! BUT I am glad they even thought of me! lol
Monday, July 7, 2008
Letter of love
Dear MS at DDC,
You failed me today. I did not receive an email from you regarding more possible matches.
Why have you broke my heart this way? Do you laugh at me, MS at DDC? Do you like to see me anxious? Do you enjoy receiveing emails from me all week long, wondering what your problem is? Should I send you chocolates so you may think of me in a more positive light? I wonder if you would enjoy a singing telegram? Why MS at DDC do you mock me with your silence?
I know you have babies lurking in the corners of your office begging to come home with me. Why do you punish us MS at DDC?
I will wait for you longer. Please be aware I am not amused by your foolishness.
Send me something soon.
Love Indefinitely
Yours in waiting,
Heather
P.S. Jeff is dropping off our album today. Please don't give him the cold shoulder. He thinks well of you.
You failed me today. I did not receive an email from you regarding more possible matches.
Why have you broke my heart this way? Do you laugh at me, MS at DDC? Do you like to see me anxious? Do you enjoy receiveing emails from me all week long, wondering what your problem is? Should I send you chocolates so you may think of me in a more positive light? I wonder if you would enjoy a singing telegram? Why MS at DDC do you mock me with your silence?
I know you have babies lurking in the corners of your office begging to come home with me. Why do you punish us MS at DDC?
I will wait for you longer. Please be aware I am not amused by your foolishness.
Send me something soon.
Love Indefinitely
Yours in waiting,
Heather
P.S. Jeff is dropping off our album today. Please don't give him the cold shoulder. He thinks well of you.
Your safe at our house
From now on, if you stay over at our house. You will be forced to sleep in this bed.
There is now a safety rail and you will be protected from any falls you may have during
your sleep. It's for your own protection. Embrace the rail.
Perhaps there is an option to remove the rail, but seriously, why risk it?
Just so you know, your safe at our house.
And we plan to keep it that way.
By impatient I mean proactive
This weekend felt like it would never end. Not that we didn't have a GREAT time its just I actually couldn't wait to get back to work to be glued on my computer awaiting another email from DDC. Since we don't have internet hook up at home yet I was kind of anxious to say the least. Friday was a whole lot of shoping for presents for all those birthday kids this month, Maci, Kaydence, Eva and even something for Kameron since we missed his birthday in Feb and I didn't want him to feel left out of the present opening on Saturday. Then Tommy came over with his 50 brothers and they played poker with Jeff until 6 in the morning! I of course, worked on my scrapbook, the family album, so we could turn it in asap and not hold ourselves up on the selecting process. Saturday we hung around the house and I cleaned up a new stroller I bought from Beka for $30, what a steal! It is so cute. It had some crusty mess on it, lol, but nothing a good old fashion soak in clorox didn't fix. ha ha, now it looks good as new. It took me, no joke, like 3 hours to take that sucker apart, scrub it and wash all the material. I mean I took it apart down to the bare metal and screws. Its grey plaid and comes with a car seat. We totally needed a single stroller, we have 2 double strollers. One from my sister and one that Adell bought us last year going thru the IVF trying to curse me with quads. I also already had 2 infant car seats lol so now this makes 3. Then after that we went to Beka and Adams for Kaydence's b-day. It was fun. Beka has a ton of family and there were a million kids everywhere but it was nice to visit with them and see Lorie and Oscar. Oscar busted out his big man slip and slide and made us laugh for a good hour. Sunday Beka, Adam. Kameron and Kaydence came over and spent all day at the house. It was so cool having them over. They hadn't been over in awhile, about 2 years, lol so it was cool for them to see how much our yard had changed, and cool for us to hear and see their expressions. We cooked, ate, laughed, watched movies and then hung out with Jeff's parents who came back in from out of town around 7 pm. After they left we crashed.
I know its going to be like a minimum of 30 days before we know something about the little baby boy but hopefully we can be matched with other children in the mean time incase this one falls thru. I just wrote our MS to see if this was a possibility or not. Just waiting for an answer. I must say, my heart skips a beat everytime I hear that "ding" notifying me I have a new incoming email. ha ha.
Speaking of the "ding" just got my reply, "Yes" we can be matched with other children while we wait. YAY that is good news. Now it won't seem like we will miss out on other good matches while we wait. I hate idol time. It seems so wasted.
I can't help but feel like we won't be matched with this baby. Like almost it would just be "too easy" like everything thus far has been us jumping thru rings of fire, how can we be matched in 24 hours and then picked.....just too good to be true. But as Jeff puts it, "Well it would be nice if SOMETHING was easy for us". It's like I now have this guard up for endless things of misery. Like I am just anticipating the worst since that seams to be our trend of things in the baby department. Like we are NEVER going to be parents. UGH!
I even realized something yesterday. Saturday when I was talking to Lorie about it, it made me realize how weird I prob seemed. Like while I was actually talking I imagined myself resembling a Leper. Like out of place, awkward, why does it feel so wrong to be talking about baby, why do I feel not worthy of thinking happy thoughts about baby. And I prob reflected that, not wanting to say too much or jinx it or just sounding blah and lame about it. Like that sad girl that can't have kids, talking about possiblities of her match of a baby. Inside I want to shout how excited we were to be even considered off the roof but when I try, I just feel shut down, and suddenly realize how negative I sounded, like I went off for a second on race and how I wished I hadn't even had a concern about living in Huffman because now i am sure they are purposefully not going to match us with any AA kids and I feel bad about it, like it reflects us, and then I went on about how nerve wrecking it is not to know about the child's health. She quickly said it was the same with any baby a mother births. And I say, yea but when you have the option to avoid things like HIV or mental illnesses....you take it. It doesn't make you a worse person but suddenly I felt it. And then theres this uncomfterable feeling of entertaining the idea of a match, Like this is just a possiblity and I don't want to talk about it out loud for fear of it not happening. Isn't that crazy? How the mind works. It's like a part of me reflects back to when we got pregnant with IVF and how I don't regret being excited and telling everyone I met, but how hard it was to go back and tell everyone we had a ms. Like now, I am purposefully trying NOT to talk about it to people who don't understand it. I even catch myself shrugging off people who are genuinly interested in the process because I feel like they are forcing themselves to be interested. I don't know how to answer a question right because I go too far into it and people can't handle all that information and kind of tune out, then making me feel like, " Well if you don't want to know the answer, DONT ASK" ha ha im just being me I guess.
I am being cautious. I am even limiting myself to daydreams of how my life may be. Like when I go to sleep I think...14 month old baby boy....and wake up with a feeling I just shuffled thru millions of papers.....weird, strange, dry, unorganized feeling...slipping away feeling. Even have that dry hands feeling, like nails scratching chalk board. UHHHH. Then I sit and think, I am going to dedicate this small amount of time daydreaming...we will be happy, we will be busy, there will be baby feet in the house, there will be screaming, laughing, playing, birthdays, toys, candy, smiles, and then....it suddenly goes away and I think this could be someone elses house, not mine, this is prob not going to even be my baby.
All this uncertainty is deff enough to drive someone mad. And you think, patience is the key. I try to be. For the majority I am. We have been doing the adoption thing since January, but we have been trying to have kids for almost 4 years. So no its not like we have only been waiting for this moment for a couple of weeks, past the adoption acceptance and stuff, but for 4 years. Thats a long wait and it validates my right to be a crazy anxious woman. Yes I think I need validation and I just gave myself some.
I know its going to be like a minimum of 30 days before we know something about the little baby boy but hopefully we can be matched with other children in the mean time incase this one falls thru. I just wrote our MS to see if this was a possibility or not. Just waiting for an answer. I must say, my heart skips a beat everytime I hear that "ding" notifying me I have a new incoming email. ha ha.
Speaking of the "ding" just got my reply, "Yes" we can be matched with other children while we wait. YAY that is good news. Now it won't seem like we will miss out on other good matches while we wait. I hate idol time. It seems so wasted.
I can't help but feel like we won't be matched with this baby. Like almost it would just be "too easy" like everything thus far has been us jumping thru rings of fire, how can we be matched in 24 hours and then picked.....just too good to be true. But as Jeff puts it, "Well it would be nice if SOMETHING was easy for us". It's like I now have this guard up for endless things of misery. Like I am just anticipating the worst since that seams to be our trend of things in the baby department. Like we are NEVER going to be parents. UGH!
I even realized something yesterday. Saturday when I was talking to Lorie about it, it made me realize how weird I prob seemed. Like while I was actually talking I imagined myself resembling a Leper. Like out of place, awkward, why does it feel so wrong to be talking about baby, why do I feel not worthy of thinking happy thoughts about baby. And I prob reflected that, not wanting to say too much or jinx it or just sounding blah and lame about it. Like that sad girl that can't have kids, talking about possiblities of her match of a baby. Inside I want to shout how excited we were to be even considered off the roof but when I try, I just feel shut down, and suddenly realize how negative I sounded, like I went off for a second on race and how I wished I hadn't even had a concern about living in Huffman because now i am sure they are purposefully not going to match us with any AA kids and I feel bad about it, like it reflects us, and then I went on about how nerve wrecking it is not to know about the child's health. She quickly said it was the same with any baby a mother births. And I say, yea but when you have the option to avoid things like HIV or mental illnesses....you take it. It doesn't make you a worse person but suddenly I felt it. And then theres this uncomfterable feeling of entertaining the idea of a match, Like this is just a possiblity and I don't want to talk about it out loud for fear of it not happening. Isn't that crazy? How the mind works. It's like a part of me reflects back to when we got pregnant with IVF and how I don't regret being excited and telling everyone I met, but how hard it was to go back and tell everyone we had a ms. Like now, I am purposefully trying NOT to talk about it to people who don't understand it. I even catch myself shrugging off people who are genuinly interested in the process because I feel like they are forcing themselves to be interested. I don't know how to answer a question right because I go too far into it and people can't handle all that information and kind of tune out, then making me feel like, " Well if you don't want to know the answer, DONT ASK" ha ha im just being me I guess.
I am being cautious. I am even limiting myself to daydreams of how my life may be. Like when I go to sleep I think...14 month old baby boy....and wake up with a feeling I just shuffled thru millions of papers.....weird, strange, dry, unorganized feeling...slipping away feeling. Even have that dry hands feeling, like nails scratching chalk board. UHHHH. Then I sit and think, I am going to dedicate this small amount of time daydreaming...we will be happy, we will be busy, there will be baby feet in the house, there will be screaming, laughing, playing, birthdays, toys, candy, smiles, and then....it suddenly goes away and I think this could be someone elses house, not mine, this is prob not going to even be my baby.
All this uncertainty is deff enough to drive someone mad. And you think, patience is the key. I try to be. For the majority I am. We have been doing the adoption thing since January, but we have been trying to have kids for almost 4 years. So no its not like we have only been waiting for this moment for a couple of weeks, past the adoption acceptance and stuff, but for 4 years. Thats a long wait and it validates my right to be a crazy anxious woman. Yes I think I need validation and I just gave myself some.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
WOW OH WOW
My head is spinning. I can't even believe what new information was just bestowed upon me! lol
We just got an email from DDC on a possible match and they wanted to see if we were interested! Well DUH...OF COURSE WE ARE.
He is a 14 month old hispanic boy. Can't say his name but he is legally free for adoption. Our homestudy will be submitted today and we will find out if we are selected to be this baby boys parents. I am so excited and just floored at the chance to be considered. I know we might not be picked because there are tons of families wanting children in this age range. I am just so amazed we won't even need to go thru foster to adopt and he would be ours forever. This was not much information on him besides that he is a healthy happy baby and he is started to walk and his developements are on target! OH MY GOD I just cannot believe we got news already.
Pray for God's will to be done in ours and this childs life!
We just got an email from DDC on a possible match and they wanted to see if we were interested! Well DUH...OF COURSE WE ARE.
He is a 14 month old hispanic boy. Can't say his name but he is legally free for adoption. Our homestudy will be submitted today and we will find out if we are selected to be this baby boys parents. I am so excited and just floored at the chance to be considered. I know we might not be picked because there are tons of families wanting children in this age range. I am just so amazed we won't even need to go thru foster to adopt and he would be ours forever. This was not much information on him besides that he is a healthy happy baby and he is started to walk and his developements are on target! OH MY GOD I just cannot believe we got news already.
Pray for God's will to be done in ours and this childs life!
Pass the Time
Today is Thursday. Tomorrow will be the 4th of July and me and Jeff will be off work. Good day to sleep in. I have alot of admiration for this sleep. It is nice to have no plans for the day and just get up when you feel like it. ummmm....nothing else makes me happier. Seriously.
This week I have been surfing the web, as usual, looking for information to occupy my time waiting. I look at the same stuff typically, unless I come across something good. I stop off at my blog first, see if anyone else wrote something new, particularly Melissia's blog, which quite frankly cracks me up. Then I scurry off to adoption.com and check out the new threads. If nothing good or after I have read what I want I check out the soulcysters.net and look up the adoption option thread. Usually not too much buzz going on in there so I check my bank info, maybe post something myself maybe work a bit, since I am at work and then go back to adoption.com and check out the millions of old posts hoping to get some insite.
Now this week has been quite entertaining on adoption.com. There is one thread I have been scoping out with all these foster people vs. adoption people blasting each other out of the water with their rhetoric of life experiences and opinions of the way "it should be" and awhole lot of this "---" business as well. Makes me laugh. But it also makes you think about all this earth moving questions in regard to "family" and views of foster families and adopted families.
For instance one poster states
"Robin, I think you are misinterpreting "Not being agreed with" with "not being heard". We HEAR you just fine- but I, for one, don't agree. And I reallly DO think the "try before you buy" thing is rude and insulting. You DID say you've heard it right here on this site, but have not given evidence to support that. Furthermore, the situation you describe in this post doesn't fit that either. The foster parents in your son's situation don't sound like they were "tire kicking" - intentionally taking a child with the view of deciding whether or not they wanted to keep him!. It sounds like they went in with the intention of reunification, and then changed their minds for whatever reason - whether it be because they saw things in the bio family that concerned them, or just because they lost their judgement. Either way, they do NOT appear to have been treating the child as "disposable" which is certainly the implication in "try before you buy". And I'm not necessarily agreeing with their point of view either - obviously the judge prevailed in your case. Mind you, if what I'm *hearing* here came across to them, they might have felt that you had a negative and condescending attitude toward foster parents. You do seem to be quoting peoples words out of context in this discussion in order to make your case....I don't see anywhere in the above poster's comment where she implies that bio families DON'T do all that. She was merely pointing out that foster parents DO all that without necessarily having an "agenda" which is what you seem to be accusing us of - again, painting whole group with a very broad brush.Personally, I will never, EVER, agree that a relative is better JUST because they are a relative. There has to be better reasons than that! And I stand by my opinion that all other factors being EQUAL, the child should stay with whomever they are bonded with. If you want me to put a time frame on it, than I'd say whoever they've spent the majority of their life with, since one year could be an entire lifetime to a baby, and only a small part of the big picture with an older child.ps - oh yes, you argue that foster parents have the option of sending a child "back" or refusing a placement in the first place. SO do kinship placements, so I really can't see why that point is relevant. No one, related or not, is ever "forced" to adopt a child, so the playing field is pretty level on that point."
OKAY SO after I finish reading posts like that I just want to write back,
"BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNED." LOL but I can't. Cause well, no one would take me seriously again.
But it DOES make you think about these people actually raising and molding young children's minds. WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE THINKING?????
Well Just wanted to share.
This week I have been surfing the web, as usual, looking for information to occupy my time waiting. I look at the same stuff typically, unless I come across something good. I stop off at my blog first, see if anyone else wrote something new, particularly Melissia's blog, which quite frankly cracks me up. Then I scurry off to adoption.com and check out the new threads. If nothing good or after I have read what I want I check out the soulcysters.net and look up the adoption option thread. Usually not too much buzz going on in there so I check my bank info, maybe post something myself maybe work a bit, since I am at work and then go back to adoption.com and check out the millions of old posts hoping to get some insite.
Now this week has been quite entertaining on adoption.com. There is one thread I have been scoping out with all these foster people vs. adoption people blasting each other out of the water with their rhetoric of life experiences and opinions of the way "it should be" and awhole lot of this "---" business as well. Makes me laugh. But it also makes you think about all this earth moving questions in regard to "family" and views of foster families and adopted families.
For instance one poster states
"Robin, I think you are misinterpreting "Not being agreed with" with "not being heard". We HEAR you just fine- but I, for one, don't agree. And I reallly DO think the "try before you buy" thing is rude and insulting. You DID say you've heard it right here on this site, but have not given evidence to support that. Furthermore, the situation you describe in this post doesn't fit that either. The foster parents in your son's situation don't sound like they were "tire kicking" - intentionally taking a child with the view of deciding whether or not they wanted to keep him!. It sounds like they went in with the intention of reunification, and then changed their minds for whatever reason - whether it be because they saw things in the bio family that concerned them, or just because they lost their judgement. Either way, they do NOT appear to have been treating the child as "disposable" which is certainly the implication in "try before you buy". And I'm not necessarily agreeing with their point of view either - obviously the judge prevailed in your case. Mind you, if what I'm *hearing* here came across to them, they might have felt that you had a negative and condescending attitude toward foster parents. You do seem to be quoting peoples words out of context in this discussion in order to make your case....I don't see anywhere in the above poster's comment where she implies that bio families DON'T do all that. She was merely pointing out that foster parents DO all that without necessarily having an "agenda" which is what you seem to be accusing us of - again, painting whole group with a very broad brush.Personally, I will never, EVER, agree that a relative is better JUST because they are a relative. There has to be better reasons than that! And I stand by my opinion that all other factors being EQUAL, the child should stay with whomever they are bonded with. If you want me to put a time frame on it, than I'd say whoever they've spent the majority of their life with, since one year could be an entire lifetime to a baby, and only a small part of the big picture with an older child.ps - oh yes, you argue that foster parents have the option of sending a child "back" or refusing a placement in the first place. SO do kinship placements, so I really can't see why that point is relevant. No one, related or not, is ever "forced" to adopt a child, so the playing field is pretty level on that point."
OKAY SO after I finish reading posts like that I just want to write back,
"BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNED." LOL but I can't. Cause well, no one would take me seriously again.
But it DOES make you think about these people actually raising and molding young children's minds. WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE THINKING?????
Well Just wanted to share.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Oh yea
More ancestry information.
Found out last night, my moms, dad's mother was born in Grady, OK. Adell found her mother's (Emma) census. Emma was born in the Indian Territory in Ok which later turned into Grady. Emma was born in the reservation there and she is Chickasaw Indian.
Pretty cool huh?
Found out last night, my moms, dad's mother was born in Grady, OK. Adell found her mother's (Emma) census. Emma was born in the Indian Territory in Ok which later turned into Grady. Emma was born in the reservation there and she is Chickasaw Indian.
Pretty cool huh?
Matching Specialist
Today was our meeting with the matching Specialist at DDC. It lasted from about 10 am to 11 am. Not very long at all. Not too much detail and no new information. We were given a 10 page packet regarding what to expect from here, which is basically alot of waiting and a detailed discription of how the process works once they find a child to fit your family profile. That was all good and dandy and valuable but it seemed like there is not going to be alot of effort into finding those kids. I totally had this image of a huge database that showed all these kids in foster homes just ready to be placed with a loving familiy who wanted to adopt. NO. Not the case at all. I thought we would go in there and they would offer up a couple different children they had in mind for us. No not at all. I thought we would be given this password and sign in ID to get onto TARE and look up the rest of the 95% of kids ready to be adopted that the public doesn't see. No not at all. It was basically here's a packet, wait for us to call you. We are working hard for you, but not really because we are basically the middle man. When we get a call for a child looking for a home from CPS and if we happen to remember your name, we will give you a call. Pfft! I have a small headache and can only wait from here. I am allowing myself 6 months before me and Jeff open our homes to emergency placements. Those placements have more risk of being RU but at least our home won't be empty. Like for instance, they told us about this baby who they got a call about yesterday. 2 day old hispanic boy, he had 7 brothers and sisters already adopted and it looks like he would probably we going towards adoption himself. BUT he was labeled emergency placement because he came from the hospital and didn't have a case plan yet, so he couldn't be given to a home like ours who only accepts foster to adopt kids or straight adopt kids. UGHHHHHH! Not fair!
I mean it's not like I had a car seat in hand and a bottle in the other but geesh...when they say its gonna be a wait because we have only been getting calls for 6 and 7 year olds and alot of 12 year olds....give me a break. And there are hardly any kids on TARE under 4. I am not asking for straight adopt only but there has to be tons more kids labeled foster to adopt 3 and under than what they are leading on.....I mean at least I would think.
I mean it's not like I had a car seat in hand and a bottle in the other but geesh...when they say its gonna be a wait because we have only been getting calls for 6 and 7 year olds and alot of 12 year olds....give me a break. And there are hardly any kids on TARE under 4. I am not asking for straight adopt only but there has to be tons more kids labeled foster to adopt 3 and under than what they are leading on.....I mean at least I would think.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
