By impatient I mean proactive

This weekend felt like it would never end. Not that we didn't have a GREAT time its just I actually couldn't wait to get back to work to be glued on my computer awaiting another email from DDC. Since we don't have internet hook up at home yet I was kind of anxious to say the least. Friday was a whole lot of shoping for presents for all those birthday kids this month, Maci, Kaydence, Eva and even something for Kameron since we missed his birthday in Feb and I didn't want him to feel left out of the present opening on Saturday. Then Tommy came over with his 50 brothers and they played poker with Jeff until 6 in the morning! I of course, worked on my scrapbook, the family album, so we could turn it in asap and not hold ourselves up on the selecting process. Saturday we hung around the house and I cleaned up a new stroller I bought from Beka for $30, what a steal! It is so cute. It had some crusty mess on it, lol, but nothing a good old fashion soak in clorox didn't fix. ha ha, now it looks good as new. It took me, no joke, like 3 hours to take that sucker apart, scrub it and wash all the material. I mean I took it apart down to the bare metal and screws. Its grey plaid and comes with a car seat. We totally needed a single stroller, we have 2 double strollers. One from my sister and one that Adell bought us last year going thru the IVF trying to curse me with quads. I also already had 2 infant car seats lol so now this makes 3. Then after that we went to Beka and Adams for Kaydence's b-day. It was fun. Beka has a ton of family and there were a million kids everywhere but it was nice to visit with them and see Lorie and Oscar. Oscar busted out his big man slip and slide and made us laugh for a good hour. Sunday Beka, Adam. Kameron and Kaydence came over and spent all day at the house. It was so cool having them over. They hadn't been over in awhile, about 2 years, lol so it was cool for them to see how much our yard had changed, and cool for us to hear and see their expressions. We cooked, ate, laughed, watched movies and then hung out with Jeff's parents who came back in from out of town around 7 pm. After they left we crashed.

I know its going to be like a minimum of 30 days before we know something about the little baby boy but hopefully we can be matched with other children in the mean time incase this one falls thru. I just wrote our MS to see if this was a possibility or not. Just waiting for an answer. I must say, my heart skips a beat everytime I hear that "ding" notifying me I have a new incoming email. ha ha.

Speaking of the "ding" just got my reply, "Yes" we can be matched with other children while we wait. YAY that is good news. Now it won't seem like we will miss out on other good matches while we wait. I hate idol time. It seems so wasted.

I can't help but feel like we won't be matched with this baby. Like almost it would just be "too easy" like everything thus far has been us jumping thru rings of fire, how can we be matched in 24 hours and then picked.....just too good to be true. But as Jeff puts it, "Well it would be nice if SOMETHING was easy for us". It's like I now have this guard up for endless things of misery. Like I am just anticipating the worst since that seams to be our trend of things in the baby department. Like we are NEVER going to be parents. UGH!

I even realized something yesterday. Saturday when I was talking to Lorie about it, it made me realize how weird I prob seemed. Like while I was actually talking I imagined myself resembling a Leper. Like out of place, awkward, why does it feel so wrong to be talking about baby, why do I feel not worthy of thinking happy thoughts about baby. And I prob reflected that, not wanting to say too much or jinx it or just sounding blah and lame about it. Like that sad girl that can't have kids, talking about possiblities of her match of a baby. Inside I want to shout how excited we were to be even considered off the roof but when I try, I just feel shut down, and suddenly realize how negative I sounded, like I went off for a second on race and how I wished I hadn't even had a concern about living in Huffman because now i am sure they are purposefully not going to match us with any AA kids and I feel bad about it, like it reflects us, and then I went on about how nerve wrecking it is not to know about the child's health. She quickly said it was the same with any baby a mother births. And I say, yea but when you have the option to avoid things like HIV or mental illnesses....you take it. It doesn't make you a worse person but suddenly I felt it. And then theres this uncomfterable feeling of entertaining the idea of a match, Like this is just a possiblity and I don't want to talk about it out loud for fear of it not happening. Isn't that crazy? How the mind works. It's like a part of me reflects back to when we got pregnant with IVF and how I don't regret being excited and telling everyone I met, but how hard it was to go back and tell everyone we had a ms. Like now, I am purposefully trying NOT to talk about it to people who don't understand it. I even catch myself shrugging off people who are genuinly interested in the process because I feel like they are forcing themselves to be interested. I don't know how to answer a question right because I go too far into it and people can't handle all that information and kind of tune out, then making me feel like, " Well if you don't want to know the answer, DONT ASK" ha ha im just being me I guess.

I am being cautious. I am even limiting myself to daydreams of how my life may be. Like when I go to sleep I think...14 month old baby boy....and wake up with a feeling I just shuffled thru millions of papers.....weird, strange, dry, unorganized feeling...slipping away feeling. Even have that dry hands feeling, like nails scratching chalk board. UHHHH. Then I sit and think, I am going to dedicate this small amount of time daydreaming...we will be happy, we will be busy, there will be baby feet in the house, there will be screaming, laughing, playing, birthdays, toys, candy, smiles, and then....it suddenly goes away and I think this could be someone elses house, not mine, this is prob not going to even be my baby.

All this uncertainty is deff enough to drive someone mad. And you think, patience is the key. I try to be. For the majority I am. We have been doing the adoption thing since January, but we have been trying to have kids for almost 4 years. So no its not like we have only been waiting for this moment for a couple of weeks, past the adoption acceptance and stuff, but for 4 years. Thats a long wait and it validates my right to be a crazy anxious woman. Yes I think I need validation and I just gave myself some.