Until Help Arrives

So today has been kind of busy at work. Luckily I am insurance pro and can multi task WHILE doing things of my own personal agenda.

I have slowly but surely learned to multi task with home life as well. Its a hard transition for all involved in foster to adopt. Sometimes I feel myself, and this probably sounds so horrible I shouldn't even write it, seperate myself from the situation. Like for the first week, and perhaps you could tell, I was stressed with balancing newly 15 month old baby into Heather, work and wife duties. I had to learn how to find a common ground in my head of where to place emotions and become that stability in a childs life that obviously has no clue she is on the edge of her future unknown. I am also kind of OCD and like things where they go. I am also not entirely use to the idea of my mother in law at my house all day. It's not like I am ungrateful for her opening her heart and time to Brittany but when someone is in your "space" all day its just kind of creepy no matter how you want to look at it. If you don't get that then well tuff shit that's just how I feel. Then there was this second where me and Jeff look up at each other and say "Oh yea I forgot I was married for a second" running around after a 15 month old and doing those normal day to day things we have always done. It's funny because just this weekend we are like, "Man we are so busy now and it kind of sucks because we are some lazy people." and then we said "Well you know what we would normally be doing on the weekends? Blowing money on baby stuff. " ha ha ha. It's just so funny. And then there was the whole stressed CPS is gonna take away Brittany because CPS worker is insane thing and thinks we smoke in the house. Entirely not true. So we quit smoking, and that in itself is just plan freaking stressful. And for a brief second I felt like IVF all over again. Dangle this baby and then take her away.

Then there's the not enough time during the day to play. You can tell the girl has attachment problems on top of her just being plan baby cranky. She is pushing 2 so whats a baby to do but be upset about teething and rashes and not being able to communicate and pissed when you leave and pissed about the car seat and pissed its 30 minutes passed her bed time and pissed you even said the word "No" like "No Brittany you cannot touch the stove and burn your baby hands"
" WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" is her response and all of the sudden she has a melt down. It's funny because once when I worked at the funeral home, my manager, who I had this love hate relationship with, because frankly he was just plain Satan, told me one thing I will never ever ever forget. " With repitition comes confidence" Smart bastard.

So here it is week 2. I am becoming more confident. When she throws a fit I know exactly what works and when she is just being a brat or having her heart broke. Foster kids are totally different than regular kids. And it's hard to discern that fine line of normalcy. But with repitition comes confidence and I can feel it grow each day.

PLUS I now longer feel the need for a 6 pack and a box of ciggarettes. ha ha well today that is.

I always heard other moms saying this or that and they want to pull their hair out and they wished they would have waited and here I was 4 years in the making of pre-mommahood only dreaming of having a child and just wanted to slay their tired saggy eyed momma faces and say
"DAMN IT WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU. I WISH I COULD BE SO LUCKY TO BE SO TIRED, I WILL NEVER COMPLAIN WHEN MY TIME COMES"
But here I sit, complaining. I would like to think I am not so much complaining as I am just stating the facts. lol PLUS haven't I earned the right to complain? Hasn't every mom? This has deffinately shed some light on things I did not take into consideration before. I on the other hand cherish every moment of it. I reflect back each day and am so thankful and feel so blessed to have tired feet and hands and mind because I lean on and trust in the fact that I am a Mommy and 15 month old breakdowns will not last forever. Each day is different and each day is new. Yes there will be different aged meltdowns but I will be more equiped, hopefully, when the time comes.

I also wanted to reiterate the fact that it feels sooooooo weird to wake up and be in this sudden club of mommies. Like for instance I was talking to Jessica yesterday and her sister in law told her we should set up a play date. ha ha ha. If I had not had a daughter I would probably never even consider hanging out. And now me and Jessica are talking more, and me and Beka and Lorie are hanging out more. It's like this common bond we share that brings us together and its so freaking strange to me. Another example. I was at Wal-Mart rushing to grab a monitor last Thursday when randomly this lady standing next to them starts telling me about her 16 month old boy who throws her cell phone down the toilet and she was purchasing a safety lock for the toilet and I responded with which one I had bought but had not tried yet and she responds with what monitor she used and which one sucks. And here we are mommies talking about babies and I am a little bit creeped out because for all she knew I was buying a baby shower gift and this unfamiliar sense of companianship was in the air and I shed a single tear inside my mind and ran away to the check out line. Am I a retard or what? It's like I could hear "Its a bittersweet symphony" playing on my way up to the check out line, like I am in a freaking musical.