The Jump Off

"Hey Brittany did I ever tell you how incrediably cool I am?"



"Yes that's right, I am pretty cute too. Too bad you will never have my gorgeous dimples."



"Brother, I declare a jump off for your blasphemy. Everyone knows I am the cutest of the cool!"




"Have it your way snot face! I accept your challenge!!!"




"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!"

" I see now that you are beating me in this jump off Kade! I declare you to jump slower!"

"ROAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!"

"Oh my God.... so hideous! You win! You win!"

" Tee hee hee ha ha ha..."


THE END!

Have I ever told you...

how incrediably boring work is.

As a matter of fact... if it was not... I would probably not have this blog.

Somedays I sit here and imagine I am doing something else... like sleeping... and then I realize I am almost alseep and start working again...

Did you know that today I called Kade's social worker? I asked her what was up with the visitations and she said she hadn't heard back about the results of the drug test but that she still hasn't gotten the results back from the psych evaluation either. She suspects the visits will stop dead in their tracks. I am a little optimistic today. YAY!

I don't know how this is gonna sound but let me start off by saying that I love Kade so much. I have grown to love him as much as I love Brittany, which we are about to adopt for life so that says allot of love is there. Which brings up another conversation entirely... but back to my point. I would be entirely crushed... heartbroken... near death if he were to leave our home and lives. I would not know what to do... but a small part of me would be WAY more happier if he were not leaving us to go back to his hateful hateful insane crazy suicidal birth mother. She would, no doubt in my mind, relapse into craziness and traumatize him for life. She might even end up killing him, or trying to. If he MUST leave us, I pray that he goes to someone safe and loving and would treat him as much as a son as we would to him.

Now back to my other topic.... loving a child you are trying to adopt.

For some people love comes easy... others not so easy. I would say that love for a child probably comes as easy as it gets.... but there is still this growing of love that occurs.

You love the little baby and you love that they are so pure and perfect and make you smile and then as time goes on you love the baby more for him or herself... finding out who they are as individuals... making your love stronger... then there's this freaking magic that just literally grows overnight and you become protective and strong and superparent and you realize that the same love you started off with has grown a million times and is not longer just in your head but has managed to invade your heart and inch its way into such a deep place you didn't realize you even had. I hope I am making sense.

It does take time... like all relationships. I guess its the same for birth mothers, except they have an up on us adoptive mothers... kind of. They get to grow with the baby in their bellies as where we adoptive mothers grow with the idea of our baby in our hearts.

So anyways Mommy mode has kicked in... full force. It also makes me appreciate again how lucky we are to have Brittany in our lives FOREVER and ever.

I honestly do not think Kade is going anywhere... but theres still apart of yourself that somehow freaking manages to subconsciencely protect your sanity and prepare for the worse.

I can't believe it's already MAY!!!!

It's seems like not that long ago I was planning for Brittnay's party in April. Kade came in March and Christmas was right around the corner. Does that make sense? This year has gone by so fast.

Next month will be my birthday and we will be going out of town on vacation at the end of June for a whole week to Arkansas. We will be staying in a cabin in the mountains and riding Buffalo River. It's gonna be so much fun. Kade I am sure will not be impressed but Brittany will enjoy the water. The river there is like 72 degrees... near perfect for summer weather.

This month is filled with Dr's visits and classes with DDC. We have to keep taking 30 hours each of classes to keep up our license and its a real pain in the butt. Last night we went to Depelchin Policies and Procedures and it was torture. Its like now that we have been thru everything we can totally tell with the instructor isn't telling the truth. It's honestly no help whatsoever and they still manage to keep up the big scare tactic of there being no babies in foster care and everyone is 18 and has 1 eye and a peg leg. You know what I mean... not talking down about the 18 year old with the one eye and peg leg. It's just I know I wouldn't make a good mother to that child. Considering I would have had to, in a reality of things, given birth to that child when I was what?? 8 years old....

So anyways, still no word about Kade's BM's progress. Kinda sitting back waiting for that to fall thru the cracks. Muh ha ha ha

Brittany's negotiators still have yet to call. Slackers.

This Sunday is Mothers Day!!! My first ever Mothers day. I have this feeling Jeff has something planned but I am not gonna get my hopes up because I know that boy's forgetful. I asked him last month when mothers day was and he's all "May 10th" right off the top of his head like he's been waiting for it.

My mom and sister sent me a nice card. I almost cried when I read my sisters. It was sweet. I think I am going to get them cards now. I got my mom some bath stuff... fig smelling. She loves figs. Everytime I see a fig tree I think of my mom and how she always loved to see big fat fig tree's grow and she wanted to plant one forever and my dad wouldn't let her because they were messy. Or something stupid like that. Why my mom puts up with people not "letting" her do stuff she wants to do is beyond me. Sometimes men are rediculous.

Court

Yesterday Kade had court. It was nerve wrecking and I am still not sure what to make of it. Sometimes it just makes me want to cry. I know good and well that no one with a right mind would send this baby back to the family who didn't want him because of his cleft palate and who's own mother tried to kill him by punching him while she was pregnant but then again I know good and well the courts don't always make much sense.

The mother was a homeless bi-polar 20 year old. Because she moved in with her grandmother and took a parenting class and a psycho evaluation, no doubt failing it, it seems this grants her rights to have visitations as long as she passes a drug test, which we have not heard if she has yet. The judge did however put Kade on a fast track to TPR and if she doesn't do enough to get him back by 8/31, his next court date, the judge will grant TPR. I absolutely hate the idea of it being all in this woman's hands. I hate that there's nothing I can do to keep him forever and I have to sit back and let her either work her plan or watch her crash and burn.... the messed up thing is that when I look at her, I literally see Kade's face and a small part of me loves her instantly. Crazy? Yes.

I know he may do better in the long run with his biological parents, then again, he will be without a father and an unstable bi-polar, may again try to kill him and herself mother. What kind of future is that?

I am so so so angry.

I just have to believe that she will not pass drug tests and maybe bleep on the face of the earth.

Cold hearted? Not if you read what I did about her family and his case and why he came into care. There is nothing more that makes me angry then a selfish suicidal immature girl who cannot stand on her own two feet. Who cannot love her baby enough to put herself aside but rather get rid of him and then show up 6 months later to slow down TPR. Again just plain selfish.

Am I being selfish? Yes, I would want nothing more then to keep Kade safe... safe from his own biological family.

There were so many people they called to take him in and no one said yes but us because of his lip. Now here we are glorified babysitters patted on the head for doing our job and I feel horriblely shorted because our hands are tied so to speak and limited.

Angry Angry...

As far as Brittany's case goes her social worker called today to appologize.... yea I almost chocked on my toungue... she said she was sorry but she is just now getting her head above water and will turn in Brittany's subsidy this week so we can hurry and finalize this month. I feel bad for the poor lady. Her sister who lives with her just had a baby and her uncle died, I think at her house... all her family has been up in her business for the past two months and her case has doubled because CPS is firing people left and right and people are quiting or on leave. She is the best social worker I have ever met and I will be sad when we are no longer working with her.

Kade's lawyer is coming to the house Friday... nervous..... I know I shouldn't be, its not like she's coming to inspect the house per say... mostly just to see him interact with us. Brittany's lawyer was supposed to do that but she went on vacation instead. LOL her lawyer was a joke.

Portrait Innovations 2009

So we went to Portrait Innovations today. We took allot of pictures but these are the ones we actually bought and or got free with the package. They are so good. The kids did good.

Brittany is officially TWO!

So Brittany's 2nd Birthday party turned out a big hit! Not without allot of work though. Needless to say I was exhausted afterwards... I have even been so tired of the mention Blues Clues it took me this long to post up some party pics. Brittany had an awesome time thanks to everyone who showed up. They really made the party. As you can see above Brittany was worn out at the end of the day too. Surrounded by family, friends, presents, food, candy, toys and cake... she was ready to hit the pavement. Let's go thru the day.



Sometime shortly after we ate Tara and Ben did some face painting for the kids. It turned out really great.




The kids loved it and Brittany got a little hear and butterfly.

Jeff made some cotton candy and that was great too. Everyone had more then enough and we were still left with half a box full when we got home. Jeff made and ate cotton candy for the next two days. My smoke alarms went off all day from the dang machine. It was huge.

Carmen with cotton candy face!

Kade slept most of the time, or was passed around to family and friends. Adell did watch him most of the day and for that I am glad because my head was all over the place.

Brittany had so much fun!!! Look at how big that smile is now!

I had to do a wardrobe change on her because the park was muddy and she was getting saggy bottom britches. She ran around bearfoot because her feet were so pruney they looked like they hurt. She then made a mess with the bubbles but had fun.

We got her a huge birthday cake, which we still have half of at home. It turned out really cute and actually tasted pretty good. Good job Wal-Mart.

We were all about doing the cake thing when something terrible happened...

We went to suprise Brittany with a life size Blues' Clues and she had a fit! Poor baby!

Although Jeff and Heard did enjoy him... only because it was Tommy sweating his butt off under there.

Eva laughed... probably because she finally realized it was her daddy.

Kade didn't care...

London wasn't sure..

Kaydence wanted some space...

But Brittany was not fooled and was not having it.

Poor babies!!!

Never again will we have a giant mascot at a birthday party!!!

After Brittany started breathing again we opened presents!!! This is her being a monkey, because one of her gifts was a monkey!

All in all it was a great party!!!

Thanks so much everyone for coming and helping us celebrate this day! Next time we wont' go overboard!

Change

Look at these two little monsters? Brittany actually pooped in the potty so she was rewarded with a blue sucker. It sure has helped to motivate her into using the potty. Typically she will pee in there but NEVER poop. Her social worker said she sees that with kids her age all the time. Its like pooping is the only thing she has control over and she takes advantage of it.

I have been working part time at work since Kade came. I work Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays now. So today is my off day and I am at home... BORED. How do stay at home mom's do it? I just can't stand to sit at home all the time. Like okay the first few weeks were cool and quite frankly I am so busy with Dr appointments and CPS appointments that I rarely do get a day off. But TODAY is my second day off doing nothing... I am getting ready for Brittany's birthday party on Saturday but I am use to being on the go go go and when its time to slow down my body is like what the fat? I shouldn't complain.... I am grateful that I get to take off... Lord knows I would rather be bored a couple of days a month then overworked. It seems like woman get the short end of the deal.... they are the caretakers, emotional and physical providers, they play a handful of different roles as a mother, wife, daughter, employee, and still try to gain some self identity in the process.. sometimes even losing that. Its a real juggle. And at the same time we wouldn't have it any other way... we wouldn't know HOW to have it any other way. Its in our DNA.

So I don't mean to knock stay at home moms... I guess you can say I am a part time stay at home mom... LOL but I guess I am at that point where I think to myself... who else am I but a mom? I know that sounds horrible but I think all mothers reach that point.. or not really a point per say as much as a conclusion. And think about it... me... HEATHER... who took 4 years to actually have kids. I prayed, paid and begged and worked my butt off and then when they came it was like OMG! I was soooo not prepared for this. Who is? You sit and think how life is gonna be with kids. How you are going to do your Martha Stewart duties and sew kids clothes and make kids crafts and yada yada and when you and your husband come home you will all get together and hug and love and be happy. And then reality sets in and your kids are NEVER happy. She screams just to scream, she throws food and anything she can get her hands on... she is two and angry.... she hits, bites, and throws tantrums. You just want to sleep and smoke. HA HA HA, and its not like that everyday... not at all. But some days... it is exactly like that. But its like anything else... when the good totally outweighs the bad, you don't think of the bad as much. You think about how rewarding kids are and how much of a priveledge it is to have kids and mold their minds and futures.

The other day I started to pray with Brittany before she went to bed. My parents never prayed with me. I probably still don't know how to pray. I was never taught. If there is a correct way to pray, I am pretty sure I am lost at it. So I set my mind up that since Brittany is starting to grasp things now it would be a good time to teach her about God and Jesus and prayer. She just kinda watches me and repeats Amen but its a good start and I think one day she will just start doing it on her own and initiate prayer without even thinking anything other then this is what we do before we go to sleep. When she gets older I will mold it into other times of the day and show her that prayer is not on a time schedule or is limited to a certain part of the day. But you know.. start slow. She is only two. I want to find a church... but then again I don't want to hunt for a church. I am so back and forth. I am waiting to hear something really good about a particular church from more then one person... a sign if you will. I guess.

We are also starting to feed Kade more and more baby food. He loves it.