Have I ever told you...

how incrediably boring work is.

As a matter of fact... if it was not... I would probably not have this blog.

Somedays I sit here and imagine I am doing something else... like sleeping... and then I realize I am almost alseep and start working again...

Did you know that today I called Kade's social worker? I asked her what was up with the visitations and she said she hadn't heard back about the results of the drug test but that she still hasn't gotten the results back from the psych evaluation either. She suspects the visits will stop dead in their tracks. I am a little optimistic today. YAY!

I don't know how this is gonna sound but let me start off by saying that I love Kade so much. I have grown to love him as much as I love Brittany, which we are about to adopt for life so that says allot of love is there. Which brings up another conversation entirely... but back to my point. I would be entirely crushed... heartbroken... near death if he were to leave our home and lives. I would not know what to do... but a small part of me would be WAY more happier if he were not leaving us to go back to his hateful hateful insane crazy suicidal birth mother. She would, no doubt in my mind, relapse into craziness and traumatize him for life. She might even end up killing him, or trying to. If he MUST leave us, I pray that he goes to someone safe and loving and would treat him as much as a son as we would to him.

Now back to my other topic.... loving a child you are trying to adopt.

For some people love comes easy... others not so easy. I would say that love for a child probably comes as easy as it gets.... but there is still this growing of love that occurs.

You love the little baby and you love that they are so pure and perfect and make you smile and then as time goes on you love the baby more for him or herself... finding out who they are as individuals... making your love stronger... then there's this freaking magic that just literally grows overnight and you become protective and strong and superparent and you realize that the same love you started off with has grown a million times and is not longer just in your head but has managed to invade your heart and inch its way into such a deep place you didn't realize you even had. I hope I am making sense.

It does take time... like all relationships. I guess its the same for birth mothers, except they have an up on us adoptive mothers... kind of. They get to grow with the baby in their bellies as where we adoptive mothers grow with the idea of our baby in our hearts.

So anyways Mommy mode has kicked in... full force. It also makes me appreciate again how lucky we are to have Brittany in our lives FOREVER and ever.

I honestly do not think Kade is going anywhere... but theres still apart of yourself that somehow freaking manages to subconsciencely protect your sanity and prepare for the worse.